Four years ago, I was, as always, looking forward to Valentine’s with John. Was our first as husband and wife. We were to receive our wedding album too. Exciting, newly-wed thoughts.
Valentine’s ended up being the first of many dates that I would forever remember, as part of our mini daughter’s journey.
Dates desperately trying to cling on to. Simply because we don’t have the other dates, like first steps, first words, you get the gist.
Diagnosed with early Pre-Eclampsia. In as little as 12 days our lives began to change.
Valentine’s Day 2012 was the last time, I felt excited for the day, spoiling my husband. Spoiling him a little more than I (hope) do every other day.
Of course the cliché, “I don’t need a day to show my love”. But it is still lovely all the same.
Still, from that year Valentine’s to me was the bottom of the list. John would always shower me with extra love, I can’t help feel guilty not being overly interested, when he still spoilt me. I realise I am so incredibly lucky.
The heavy feeling that has weighed me down ever since, I hate feeling this way, the days that should be fun haven’t been, because they’re always associated with losing our precious Honeymoon Princess.
This year I decided to fight it. Feel the warmth. Be Happy.
On a day that is for love. That’s what I have.
Love for her, Melody.
Love for my children, who surround me in laughter and singing with of course some shouting! (We don’t live with Mary Poppins!)
Of course the Love I have for John. Together almost Seven Years, married almost Five. It has been one hell of a ride.
So for me Valentine’s Day this year, is my turning point. A point where I carry my grief beautifully, there are ugly points, the dreams, the memories the broken hearts.
But to embrace this life I have, fall in love with the new vision I was given, a vision, that dare I say only “certain” parents get.
Love the flaws, love the growth that children do….because growing is what they ARE meant to do.
Leading me to…
Accepting the beautiful rainbow baby term. It is something I have fought with since the birth of Melody’s little sister. How can she be a rainbow when the storm isn’t over?
Some quotes state after a miscarriage or stillbirth…which Melody wasn’t either, it didn’t feel right.
But looking at the girls, especially our newbie, they are so full of colour, how can they be anything other than Rainbows. With the struggles we’ve had with Miss Calliope, she really is an extra bright rainbow.
With My older two children, who are too my rainbows.
How can Valentine’s Day be full of anything….but Love.