One Month Today!

I actually cannot believe how quick this past month has gone!
And so thankful that she is growing as she should. 
I hear a lot of “they must slow down” “or why do they have to grow” or even “they must stop growing”
No I like the growing bit!
I prefer the growing bit…
So Calliope’s life begun officially, one month ago today. 
Just under 6lb of gorgeousness! 

15 hours old! 
I think she has slotted into the family well. 
Although it has been a little harder on me than expected. 
I came home the day after my c-section, felt too nauseous to stay on the ward, but felt surprisingly well after the caesarean and being sterilised too. I could walk upright for a start. 
It felt wonderful to be home, 
To not be pregnant any more. 
But the nausea stuck around longer than I liked, it wasn’t as instant as I had hoped. 
And mentally I still felt too worried to eat. Hyperemesis really took it out of me. 
Finding certain foods, smells even thoughts take me back to being sick, its horrible. 
Saving face for the rest of the children, I needed to feel normal straight away. 
That bond took some coming too, I’d been so sick and scared during my pregnancy that I’d almost switched off from the birth and from her. 
To begin with every time I looked at her I could see Melody. 
Melody only chubbier, a lot more heavier.
I felt heavy. 
I knew then that no matter what people who have never lost a child would say about replacement, moving on and completing the family, it’ll never ring true, the hole in my chest will remain, Melody sized, no amount of children will replace her, or mend it.
I can live with that, I’m not bothered if other people can’t.
We have progressed through the month, her gaining weight, (6lb 13oz 9 days ago)which makes me proud being able to fully breastfeed again, although she is very addicted, it has been hard work, of course it still is.
But I am relieved/glad to say she is worth it. 
I have gotten very frustrated at times, having spent months needing assistance, months so used to being sick, it has been hard to do the post section resting I am supposed to do. 
Leading to set backs with pain, and lots of tears, mine of course.
It hasn’t been easy. 
Then returning to “the real world”. Feeling lost and completely out of the loop.
Leading me back to feeling guilty on only relying on my two favourite local adults. 
They are worth their absolute weight in gold.
Stuck it out through the HG, now helping me to stand, when others choose to turn and run.
They *still* want to stick around…
I will be glad when I can put it behind me and I’m back to full health 
(plus side I weigh less now than I did before pregnancy, every cloud I guess!!)
I feel so lucky in that respect. 
I am hoping after these next few days I’ll be able to relax a little. The last of the big milestones.
A huge mountain to climb, 
Five Day old bunny picture
(baby-grow was her biggest sister’s preemie one)
Still crying! 
One Month bunny picture

She maybe the noisiest boob monster I have come across, 
she is incredibly cuddly, she hates nappy changes, but hates to have a dirty or wet nappy. 
She is so beautiful like her siblings. 
She is my little girl, our little ray of sunshine. 
We cannot remember life without her.
Happy One Month Baby Girl.

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