It has been a while since I’ve posted. My love for writing taken a little tumble. I know it hasn’t disappeared into “Memory Dump” writing is one of my personality islands I’d like to keep. (If you’ve watched Disney’s Inside Out you’ll understand). Unlike Riley in the film my islands are still very much where they should be. Only I guess one island is sitting slightly darker than it usually stands.
It seems from my social media page,on the ” memory app” I would appear to post a little heavier in my emotions. Lost.
Over the passed few days it has come to me that my heart and head are in a war with each other.
My girl, our baby who didn’t grow is never far from our thoughts, as her parents it is allowed.
We don’t need help,or therapies to fix anything. Let’s face it there’s no cure for being a bereaved parent.
When she died, my brain found it difficult to adjust to things like timescales. We’d spent most of her pregnancy clock watching, then her time in NICU time keeping,for cuddles,cares,nappy changes, expressing. It was constant time keeping.
Of course once she died it didn’t stop,counting the time since it happened,how long until the next visitor or meeting..
I hope you get my gist.
It’s a scramble to keep her memory alive. I’ve since discovered from October time for me it begins our down hill journey to her birthday, with the baby loss awareness month, November being the first time we’d seen her on screen,and so on.
The closer it gets to February and then April, the harder it feels,but I know the run ups are always,always the hardest.
Right through to the final month of May,which was full of “should have beens”.
All these months, I can associate with Melody. Then we get to June, which of course has gotten easier since her little sister was born in June.
But I can’t be connected to Melody. I just find it hard than she’s not a part of these Summer Months.
I don’t think I am explaining myself particularly well, it sounds ” right” in my head. I’m sure anyone in a similar position will know exactly what I mean.
So, I miss her. Again I don’t need help,I’m not crazy. I’ll talk more on my guest post. She should be starting school in September,it is heading to five years…I cannot get my head around that one just now
The reason I’m here, is for the past few years I have completed the 100 happy days challenge.
For me it is a form of therapy, writing. Finding bit of light in every day.
I was going to delay until nearer Christmas like last years,however I feel I need to begin this challenge, for me…now.
Relighting an island or two.
Sadness will not tattoo a core memory, Joy shine through.
Join me if you wish. I’ll try and share on Instagram too xx