Fighting the fall.

I lack belief.
I lack trust.
I lack confidence
And have very like self esteem. It’s hard to fight.

My husband tells me every single day,just how amazing I am,showering me with love,at times I feel I don’t deserve.

It’s been a few weeks since the happy days have stopped. But we’re 17 days into 2016 and so far seems like it is going to become a great year.

I’ve finally completed my HG peer support training, something that this time last year was taking hold. Taking my confidence and my trust with it.
I need to be able to help someone, when the outside world, friends,family do not understand. I’m hoping I can do this. Raising awareness to unsupportive GPs and other HCP.
There are only a few HG friendly GPs in the UK.
That’s not enough. Far from it.
I hope I can help with this.

It scares me.

Starting my breastfeeding peer support training too. Would love to be able to assist mums in their breastfeeding journey.
I hope I can do this.

It scares me too.

A year ago I was offered the opportunity to set up a baby loss group in our town. Providing support for Pregnancy and Infant Loss parents. This week I’ve been setting up the almost final details,venue in place and support I need to get it up and running. But I fear the interest isn’t there,this is when that poor confidence shows itself.

It scares me,but I will do this.

Being asked to share my story to help others understand what losing a baby means. How heavy and how misunderstood it is.
I feel incredibly honoured to have been asked.
I just wish I has more faith in me.
I love to be this busy,still have time to have adventure with my favourite mummy,and be home with the children.

But I can’t stop expecting a fall.

I am so unbelievably excited about all of the above, mostly because I’ve been trusted with these opportunities, but that demon inside,the negative bastard that he is,that rears its ugly head.
These opportunities are going to help me be open,be less of an outsider,an outsider that I feel when I look in to baby groups see friendships being made with mums and babies. Yet it feels like its just me and C against the world.
I promised myself it wouldn’t be this way with C as it was with K. Watching K seemingly only have one friend. Because I feel forever an outsider.

The negativity I have to fight against needs to move out.
It will move out, I will not fail.
I will leave those who produce negativity, who never once thought on my feelings,I will leave these people behind.

This year I am going to do this.
I deserve to be happy and successful too.

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