This time last year, I had written a post about our little Melody not getting a letter or a school place; she’d never had the chance.
That long-awaited email arrived this week for Mini Red, offering us our first (and only) choice of school. I hadn’t expected it to feel so emotional; it hasn’t been what I had imagined it would be, I thought I would be more excited.
But instead a heart-stopping feeling; when we can’t decide whether the first choice on paper is really a choice at all. Throughout the morning of receiving the email, I had this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach, almost terror about the whole thing; selfishly for me for social and anxiety reasons, for her too, of course, the worry of her being left behind for play dates and parties. But I guess that is my job to worry, I’m her Mum.
As the days have moved by since this email, thinking more about her even beginning school as a bigger picture, rather than just the things that are weighing heavy on me.
It has made me incredibly emotional; I cannot believe we are here, at this point.
This tiny baby who we had been terrified to even love and hold is now not just this rainbow baby, but she has grown into this young girl starting school this year.
I’m not one of those Mums who want them to stop growing, I’ve already a child who did, but it certainly does go really quickly. Too quick. Blink and you almost miss their infancy.
I never imagined after Melody’s death, we would ever get to this point; many people believe we had Mini as a replacement, or that we only had her because Melody died, they have even gone as far as saying “If Melody hadn’t died, you wouldn’t have Mini.” When in reality, we had actually made the decision to give Melody a younger sibling not long after Melody had been born – in fact, my crazy hormones thought two weeks were long enough to make the “next” baby decision. The only thing that wasn’t in the plan of family planning was having a daughter die.
I know I have already had two children begin their school life, their beginnings were also emotional, so this really isn’t new. But it is different, I share them with their Dad (and quite rightly so), I’ve never had to do daily school runs, the get-ups. The school time has been shared.
I’ve never really felt like a school run Mum, no fault of anyone, I am presuming that is how co-families can feel in shared activities such as these. It is normal to us.
Now Mr Red and I have a daughter who is beginning school. She has never really spent a great deal of time away from us; not many days out away from us. A friend took her out a few times for the day when I was down with HG, I have probably spent 3-4 nights away from her, her whole life, now she will be entering into the school system, every day (albeit half days to begin with). I just cannot imagine her being anywhere other than home or pre-school, even then we cut her hours back, if I had the intelligence, I would have looked into homeschooling.
Her new adventures are just around the corner, huge steps will be taken and new things she will come to learn, she is like a sponge, she takes so much in, her imagination is amazing particularly when role-playing, the different voices, the different scenarios she comes up with, we’ve always been told she is emotionally intelligent.. Bloody headstrong.
It is amazing how one email, with basically one sentence, one important sentence can cause so many emotions.
I just hope the choice we make is the right one.
Our baby girl IS growing up.
I like it.