blogtober

Love – Children, romance and songs -#Blogtober

Love should conquer everything.

If only.

Today’s #Blogtober is Love, I wasn’t sure what to include, whether to do a little PDA or to embrace it for my children. I will do both; finishing with a list of my five favourite romantic songs.

Marriage

I had boyfriends as a ten, I married in my early 20s and believe after feeling something completely different with my new husband, I believe there are many types of love. True love, friendly, the type where you think it is true until you know.

I honestly never expected to be loved in the way in which my husband loves me; he’d take a bullet for me.

We’ve been together now 8 years and married for six. We have been through things that are meant to tear couples apart. After all these years we still reunite after work as if we have just met. I still have butterflies. He brings me flowers, writes me notes, and supports me with everything. It isn’t just a romance, we’re a team. We work together, as a couple; as parents we’re close. It is very cliché I have found my soul mate. We’re connected in a way in which I don’t quite understand. We are as one.

 

Motherly

I’d always wanted to be a Mum, at least in my head I did, I had never been vocal about it growing up, but I knew it was definitely something I wanted.

I was so thrilled when my first daughter was born, this tiny 4lb 8oz bundle made me a Mum, she changed my life. There was a fear that I either wouldn’t love her enough or love her new sibling as much as I love her. I didn’t know I would have enough two.

He arrived and at that point in my life he completed our family. Love had grown an equal branch for him. Enough for two. I didn’t need to worry. They became my world, the most important people in my life.

As I mentioned above I remarried, and we chose to have another baby.

Bonding wasn’t the easiest. She was born at 26+6 weeks. She was whisked away. The breast feeding I wanted to do, the straight from birth cuddles were all taken away as I watched them wheel her away down the corridor. There were many times where we didn’t feel like she was our baby; surrounded by machines, wires and nurses.

We did have cuddles, not many but I will cherish them. Memories are all I have of her, my love; my bond wasn’t enough to keep her safe. She died at five weeks old.

Everything changed

My love changed, the love for my older children changed dynamic, my love for her also was – is different too.

I had now learned the very hard way that children and babies die. I knew I needed to love my children even more, even harder if that were at all possible, in the hope that love can also be enough to keep them alive.

We had another two babies, the babies after were meant to heal us. They were meant to be at the end of the storm. But the storm didn’t go. The storm instead remained a way of life. Left an unforgettable aftermath…

 I couldn’t enjoy my last two pregnancies; I knew that lines, HG, hospitals, statistics weren’t going to save my babies, my children. I was terrified to love them, to get too close to them. My pregnancies were stolen, my first few weeks of life snatched, I was too scared to love them.

love

Love

We’re five years in; I love them all, equally. I get asked how I can love a baby who was barely here. Because she was here, and she is part of me. Loving her is hard. But I will easily love her forever.

I love being a Mum, I hate being a bereaved Mum. But I love that I get to be their Mum.

I am so lucky to have the family that I do.

 

Songs.

Ok, so a little lighter to end the post. My five favourite romantic songs.

  1. Creed – With Arms Wide Open. Okay I am not entirely sure if this is a love song, but it was our first dance song.
  2. James Arthur – Say You Won’t Let Go
  3. John Legend – All of Me
  4. Westlife – Flying Without Wings
  5. Ed Sheeran – Thinking Out Loud

There are so many more, but I think that is enough from me tonight.

What are your favourite Love Songs?

 

The Red Head Diaries.

Did you catch yesterday’s? Kitchen

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