Day Two of Blogtober. It is all about the Babies. I have had five of them. Ten Positive pregnancy tests, four babies I parent.
I found my first positive pregnancy test in 2003, which resulted in my first loss, but then the following year I fell pregnant again with my eldest daughter.
This lovely lady who is fast becoming taller than me at just 12 years old, was born 3 weeks early (although by official notes five weeks) born a dinky 4lb 8oz, she made me a Mum. Although very loud at times she can also be the sweetest of girls, and has coped so well with what life has thrown at her. She amazes me every single day.
I always wanted a big family or at least a bigger one than just myself and my brother; but after having my second child (third pregnancy) it was decided that we would just stick to the two.
My only boy in a mass of girls, he is lovely. He is a little on the hormonal side just now, but he is kind and again very sweet. Born 6lb 2oz at 39+2 weeks; he too coped amazingly with what they as children have been through. One of his favourite things is Trains
Then we divorced.
I didn’t even think anyone would want me again. But he did and I feel completely in love with the man I now call my husband. I fell pregnant six months after we became a couple which ended in a miscarriage, followed by another nine months later in the October. We married the following May, then the August we fell pregnant with another baby. She stayed – for a while.
Born at 26+6 weeks due to me contracting HELLP syndrome; a severe form of Pre-Eclampsia. I was really poorly. From the moment she was born weighing 670g, she was feisty, she wanted to be here.
And she was here for five weeks, until sepsis stole our baby, a baby who had been given a discharge date, who was set to come home. We lost her.
We made the difficult decision to try again, I needed to try again, I needed to prove that my body wasn’t failing. Three months after switching off her life support, I discovered another positive Pregnancy Test.
A rainbow baby, however we soon discovered that for me, for us it was a lot harder to see her as a rainbow baby; that rainbow after a storm; we knew from very early on that our storm would never be over. Made the whole bigger and more obvious. Born at 38 weeks 6lb.
But she has brought light, crazy diva who loves nothing more than to dress up, play princesses and sing. She has such personality we are sure she will head for the stage when she is older.
No More Babies
Her pregnancy brought a lot of anxieties, the hospital for me was a massive trigger, I had suffered with Hyperemesis Gravardium in all of my pregnancies, Mini’s was particularly hard; as I mentioned before the “having another baby will make you better” thing, just didn’t work; with this in mind we were unsure as to whether or not we would have another baby.
We went on our annual family trip, Mr and I were able to have some time alone to talk about what we wanted to do next, any plans etc., it as then we decided we would have one last attempt at trying for a baby, gave ourselves 9 months to do so, if not then we would have no more. I didn’t want to be pregnant well in to my 30s. Falling pregnant pretty much straight away we were pleased it happened sooner. Sadly it ended in miscarriage; we were sad of course but it was a very different feeling to how we felt to the losses before we’d lost our daughter. Like dusting ourselves off and carrying on.
It wasn’t long before…
We fell pregnant pretty much straight away; only a few weeks later the Hyperemesis kicked in, violently. I was in and out of hospital from very early on. That carried on until a week or so after she was born. With anxieties which I guess no matter how many babies we would have would still remain, and the terrible sickness I made the very easy decision to be sterilised during my C-section. She was born just under 6lb at 37 weeks. She is our rainbow after one hell of a storm!
Our family was completed as much as it could be with a daughter no longer with us in 2015. As much as I do not want another baby, it is strange to no longer even have the option. However this year we did have a faint positive pregnancy test, it was a terribly confusing time…Terrifying. This in turn ended up being “just” a chemical pregnancy. It really hit home just how scared I am of having another baby, but also there was this tiny pang of excitement when the lines appeared, but definitely more fear. I haven’t really shared much about this part of me yet.
So there we have it.
Babies, I am a very lucky Mama to have them ALL in my life.
The Red Head Diaries
Blogtober Day One – All About You