Tag Archives: hyperemesis gravardium

hyperemesis gravardium

Hyperemesis Awareness

Hyperemesis Gravardium isn’t “just morning sickness”.

For those of you who have followed me during my pregnancies will have learned that.

 

“I hate HG; I hate it with a passion.”

It is a thief, an attacker. It doesn’t matter what security, what alarms you have to prepare. Nothing, absolutely nothing prepares you for the effects, it has on you and your family. Even previous Hyperemesis episodes cannot prepare you for the level of severity of the next.

It beats your body, your mentality. HG steals pregnancies, bonds, and happiness.

It eats you alive.

This may sound incredibly dramatic, but if I am honest, there really are no decent words to fully describe HG, and to give the listener an understanding. I’ve had it five times. Five pregnancies (my miscarried babies, didn’t get cosy enough for Hyperemesis kick in). Each one of them being different, my older children’s pregnancies not being as rough as my most recent ones.

I’d never heard of it until I walked in to the doctor’s surgery in 2004, I’d heard of Morning Sickness, goes with the pregnancy territory. I’d been sick in several public places, including outside the Post Office, and had sprayed our newly painted bathroom wall. It was manageable. It finally left at around 24 weeks. I’d still be sick on and off, but I was OK.

Next baby two and a half years later, again it only lasted a short time, 18 weeks that time, but that was enough.

It’ll be worth it in the end.

When I remarried, we made the decision to have children together. I was expecting Hyperemesis. After two miscarriages, we conceived our baby. Ropey start but she got cosy, and so did the Hyperemesis, I could no longer do my agency job. The isolation begun; the boredom in friends, the expectations to still be normal, were high. The assumptions of hiding the vomiting were even higher. Because that was easy, right?!

The bond in the pregnancy, wasn’t strong it was difficult, antenatal depression hit. The pregnancy began to go wrong. 26+6weeks she was born due to HELLP syndrome a complication/variant of pre-eclampsia.

However at five weeks old she passed away. (Find Melody’s journey here. )They always tell you that it’ll be worth it in the end, but sometimes it really isn’t.

Doing it again.

We made the decision to have another baby; it was terrifying, not only due to her being a baby after the death of our daughter, but the Hyperemesis contend with too. I desperately wanted to take a baby home to my husband.

Once again I spent my time alone, terrified of everything going wrong again and sick. Listening to people telling me I was damaging my older children. Guilt, because I couldn’t just have a normal pregnancy, after all we’d been through Hyperemesis was still tormented us. We knew that Hyperemesis didn’t mean a baby at the end of it. I could manage an outing a week with a friend, weekly trips to the hospital, were my limits. It was just that, limiting. I lived on Ice cubes, Yorkshire puddings and pie pastry. Ice Cubes was the top one.

The sheer terror of staying in the hospital overnight, brought flashbacks from our daughter’s time there.

Stressful.

The pregnancy was stressful, I refused ante emetics, I know I should have accepted, but the professionals I spoke to were always unsure whether they were safe.

I didn’t want to bury another baby.

In 2013 at 38 weeks she was born screaming via C-Section.

It was over; I never would have to endure the vomit again. Heartburn remained for months afterwards; certain foods caused me pain or upset stomach, like white breads.

But the stress was over. I could move on from the Hyperemesis, people wanted to know again, I wasn’t so lonely.

 

Then it happened, seventeen months later…

Two little lines appeared on that white plastic stick, another brought the word “Pregnant”. These sticks which look so cheap, these throwaway items changed me in an instant. Fear came over me.

My final pregnancy began in 2014

Hyperemesis didn’t appear for a couple of weeks, I’d obviously tested very early. At roughly five weeks, it began to creep in. The sickness bands began to fail, though I kept wearing them, just in case they worked a little bit.  The need for medication was fast becoming obvious.

I was offered Avonomine first. I reluctantly agreed to try the medication this time, everything felt different; there was intensity about the way I felt. None of it felt right.

Within hours the Avonomine made me really ill, I couldn’t move, I felt suffocated, I couldn’t leave the bed.

The GP advised me to contact the antenatal ward, which leading me to my first trip to the antenatal ward resulting in six litres of fluid and meds. They suspected either a Molar or Twin pregnancy because I was so poorly.

There was only one.

It broke me.

The death of our daughter in 2012 was/is challenging and has changed our lives dramatically.

But this pregnancy, our youngest daughter’s pregnancy broke me.

I could barely lift my head from the pillow, standing was hard. It sapped the life out of me, I couldn’t even cry about it, because crying made me vomit. I was almost emotionless for months, even sheer joy made me feel queasy, not that, that happened often.

The bastard Hyperemesis stole my final pregnancy from me. It stole friendship, 9 months with my children, connections to the outside world. I couldn’t use the community I had come so reliant on, because even screen time made me nauseous.

I had a couple of people assist with school runs, but only one would come to see me week in week out. My husband bared the brunt of it all.

It attacked my confidence, my heart, making me more sensitive.

Once again I couldn’t bond with my baby; once again I was terrified she’d die too.

The scans (12 of them) were hard because I couldn’t sit still, or bare the car journey. I gave up driving for 7 months.

It.broke.me.

Keeping me alive

Two to three sickness medications a day, Clexane, Aspirin, reflux medication, vitamin supplements, shakes juices and regular midwife visits, (I was lucky in that my midwife would do weekly home visits to me),hospital trips for IV medication and fluids kept me…alive. I lived on Twister Ice Lollies, and Bacon Sandwiches (made with Pitta Bread).

I’m not exaggerating, although I believe anyone who suggests morning sickness or ginger to a Hyperemesis sufferer, probably think we all exaggerate. This proves people genuinely do not understand Hyperemesis to its full extent.

 

No More.

In 2015 at 37 weeks, due to our history and the HG, 37 weeks was agreed to be the best option to end the pain and the suffering.

She too was born screaming, loud.

Perfection in PND

I was sterilized at point of section. I cannot do it again.

It didn’t disappear on birth this time, it stayed for days, the nausea remained. I could barely eat. Baby was an image of our lost girl. I could barely look at her.

She screamed. I spent time in the bathroom sobbing every time she cried. I felt weak, scared. There was no let up on her crying, a sling with her saved my sanity. But she wouldn’t go with anyone else.

It was suggested to change my diet go dairy free for her. The screaming, my crying calmed. It is thought it may have all stemmed from the Hyperemesis.

Hyperemesis and Mental Health

To this day I’m still getting the odd flashbacks. Form of PTSD apparently.  I have had tummy bugs, which meant vomit since the Hyperemesis, it has made me realise how terrified of vomit I now am. A bit personal, but sex can scare me, although I’ve had my tubes tied and cut, I’m more than terrified of the prospect of a surprise pregnancy. It would be a disaster. I recently (although not really spoken about yet), had a positive pregnancy test, which turned out to be chemical. It was terrifying to imagine ever being that ill again.

I still can’t eat certain foods, our daughter can’t either. I hate Hyperemesis so much; it ruined my relationship with our daughter. We’re getting there, I love her to bits but it’s been bloody hard.

Not Morning Sickness

Hyperemesis is cruel, cruel disease. It should never be spoken of lightly. A lot more research is needed.

More HG friendly HCPs are needed.

Most importantly support is required.

Never assume it is just morning sickness or that the woman should hide it.

That woman is doing her best, to be a mother and protect her unborn child under the most impossible circumstances.

Rather than judge offer to help, research ways to help.. Be a friend, or family member to see through this awful condition.

For more information or support here.

 

I am still recovering mentally and physically from her birth, I would have loved to have sailed through any pregnancy, but I didn’t. The one thing I was put here to do and I couldn’t with ease, but I am grateful to have taken 4/5 of my children home. But I will always feel guilty.

 

 

My HG Heroes

Thank you for reading

The Red Head Diaries

 

 

 

hyperemesis

Under Construction Nine

The hg is still at present ruling my life.
Imprisoned in fear of being sick in public.
Having to eat the same few foods, day in day out.
Watching your friends go for coffee, for cake.
Having hg is not the worst, because I am so blessed to be pregnant.
The guilt, the gratefulness I should feel because I’ve lost one daughter, but I’m pregnant again. I feel it all the time.
But the hg won’t even let me cry for that daughter.
Emotionless, because even that makes me vomit.
Made of stone.
The fear of bonding, the fear of breaking hearts again..Terrified it’ll all be for nothing.
PMA, the excitement – back to being emotionless. Cold.
The emotions that come with not only the hg but a pregnancy after loss, is hard, so hard to explain.
Desperate to find that Positive Mental Attitude, people insist I find.
I will find it, just maybe not this week. The week leading to what should have been Melody’s birthday. If only.
Maybe once it passes I’ll have a day or so to achieve some kind of PMA. At least until her anniversary. These months are so heavy.
21+4
Heartbeat and hiccups heard.
Baby is getting more active. That’s the best bit.

 

21+5

Little bumpy.

22 weeks.
The Weeks are moving closer to those weeks.
I feel incredibly lucky to have an understanding husband,
who is hating having to help inject me!
It is the turn of the leg, stomach is too battered and bruised.
Poor Chap.
The far away friends M and J
for keeping me in check.
And of course my local visitor T, who comes very week, maybe I’m her nan!
Although it is fairly hard at the moment. I never see the backs of their heads.
HG is debilitating and lonely.
Off to search for that PMA!
Only 10 days until next scan, maybe it’ll be there….
hyperemesis

Under Construction Eight – Hyperemesis

The milestones are coming.
The limbo is coming to an end.
This for me is far scarier.
I know some find 12 weeks their safe zone, some even think 8 weeks is safe.
Which to be fair if its someone close, I wonder if Melody’s story means anything.
I know she has taught some valuable lessons, makes me feel she’s doing something.
I think losing her, well even her birth taught me so much more than nothing is safe.
But I’ve learned so much more about being attuned to my body.
Although not had to use that yet!!
This next half is a whole other level of scared.
Its what keeps me on my toes!
I’m in for one hell of a ride!

Another week of being able to hear baby’s heartbeat.
The blood tests begin, although we’re positive it’ll be nothing.
I still cant help wondering. But it helps a little to know I’m being cared for.
The anxieties, but I guess hormones are making things hard.

I’m finding it harder and harder to talk about my fears face to face with people.
I think maybe a fear of alienation, (although I think its too late for that) lack of understanding, not only due to the pregnancy fear, but the HG too.
And if I don’t talk about them, maybe I could pretend to be normal.
Maybe they’ll go away.
Tears help.
The HG is at the moment being aggravated by a cold and cough that seems to be lasting forever.
Picking up everything going isn’t fun.
With Anaemia now in the mix, its hardly surprising!
Does make me more concerned on how baby is really doing.
Its beginning to feel a little familiar, bit too close to Melody’s pregnancy.
But of course I know this IS the anxiety talking,
just hard to snap out of…
But people telling me to snap out of it won’t help either.
now, where’s the Spatone?!

This week I think I have finally felt the baby!
I think, still not overly sure, I can’t quite make my mind up.
I hope it’ll be soon. Impatient mini!

Bumpity bump!!

The sickness seems to be creeping in worse again.
Burning from the inside out.
Bringing up bits of blood again.
Yet its still being compared to morning sickness.
The wonder why magic pills just don’t work!
HG rarely stops after the first trimester.
If only!

Night before anomaly scan, and to say I’m nervous would be a  huge understatement!
I don’t think a lot of sleeping will be done tonight.
However the insomnia is letting me catch up with reading.
Almost completing Breaking Dawn for the millionth time,
I downloaded Casual Vacancy.
As a Harry Potter Fan I’m hoping I don’t miss the wizards!

😷

Friday the 13th.
Day of anomaly.
They say ignorance is bliss right?
Maybe if we don’t go, it’ll be fine, yeah?
A split second thought of course, if only for innocence?!
Awake since 3 ish.
Breaking Dawn now complete, Casual Vacancy Chapter Four!
Definitely no wizards!
Tiredness vs HG isn’t going to bode well.
Even before the scan arrival, the hospital itself always brings a trigger.
From not parking on ground floor to crossing the road so we dont walk next to NICU,
then of course crossing back for the clinic, I guess if we were being watched we’d look crazy.
No matter how many times we visit the place, it’s still a hard place to be.
I guess that’ll never change.
Faces recognisable, engrained into my memory.
Not very easy.

But I just need to keep breathing, keep focus!
And fill my bladder.

The random chatter as we attempted to quieten our anxieties down.
Managing to sort out my medication woes, was the first tiny relief.
Walking into the scan room,
Placing the warm jelly onto my belly, I briefly turned away,
“There’s the heartbeat”
That was my cue to look.
There it was lovely heart.
The woman was very thorough, explained everything as she went.
Baby on the smaller side of the scales.
And currently weighs 307g (11oz) 2 oz less than its older sibling at this stage.
Only 300 or so less than Melody’s birth weight!

Just pleased its healthy.

hyperemesis

Under Construction Three – Hyperemesis

Beginning the second trimester.

The scary one.

The HG – Hyperemesis, is still very much here and unwelcome, but I think there could be a light at the very end of the tunnel. Well the sickness tunnel.
Leaving the first trimester 13+6 We were able to hear baby’s heartbeat, I even felt it kick too.
Such a wonderful feeling, hearing it.
I left 13+6 having a day vomit free, really hoping it is the beginning of the HG packing up and moving out!
We’ll see.

14 weeks.

14 weeks, seems so strange to be at this point! Surreal.
Have been vomiting since about 6/7 weeks, so have vomited and wished the time away.
I have lost just over 8lb, have plenty to lose though.
Not many can say they lost over the Christmas season!!
Bonus..well kind of!
Living on Irn Bru, and Twister Ice lollies, with the occasional bacon pitta, it’s no surprise.
Which brings me to the one “remedy” that is very freely thrown around..

Hyperemesis Hates…

Ginger biscuits!!!!!! 
Very much said through gritted teeth.
Ginger of any form helps with morning sickness, which Hyperemesis isn’t!
Sadly the offer of ginger biscuits gets incredibly tiresome.
So if you know anyone who develops HG, avoid the ginger discussion!
It’s safer for you!!!

For me personally Ginger made my HG worse!

 

New Medication

14+3 was the day I met my new (to me) consultant, she is amazing, so lovely.
The meeting was very constructive, with a lot to take in.
Finally had the go ahead to continue the aspirin as I did in my last pregnancy.
She has also prescribed me an intense steroid treatment in the hope that it will rid me of this awful Hyperemesis.
She had a lovely little listen in to baby, was once again wiggly.
We’ll be having the baby earlier than full term,
and we’re going to be having three weekly scans once I hit 24 weeks.
I am very pleased, relieved that we’re getting a good care plan.

Challenges

I also today braved and bought the baby something to wear,
down as “Tiny Baby” yet it’ll still no doubt swamp the baby even at birth.
But it was a challenge set by a friend, as I am terribly nervous about the pregnancy.
Challenge accepted, and completed!

Lets hope the next update is the steroids have worked
and that I am free from vomit…
hyperemesis

Under Construction Two – Hyperemesis

My Hyperemesis Gravardium Journey

Living with (surviving) Hyperemesis

It took a few weeks for it to move in and make it self at home. I discovered my positive pregnancy test Friday 24th October, was having a morning out with my friend, so was easy to put it to the bottom of my mind. The days went by and I had a bad feeling I wasn’t being sick, I felt normal. I even managed to celebrate my birthday with my friend and her family. I just knew it wasn’t going to be happy news.
By 7th November I was beginning to feel a little nauseous, I felt maybe the need for sickness bands would be required. I’d already confided in my friend, so I could buy them without question.
The nausea became progressively worse over the week leading me to require help from the GP, only the medication would make me sleepy,so I chose to try them at the weekend.

Medication

It was something I quickly regretted it, making me feel worse than I did the day before.
Avonomine was a no go.
I was fast becoming sicker, I could barely move, even sitting made me vomit. It was incredibly overwhelminging.
13th November I felt very unwell and was sad I couldn’t go out to meet my friend, but felt lucky she insisted on visiting, barely unable to stand she did her best to cheer me up.
The next day John took our youngest shopping with him, so I could go back to bed, only that was a disaster, I couldn’t get out again, we knew we had to contact the GP.
Something had to be done, I felt like death.
Unsure of what to do with me the GP contacted the antenatal ward.
With a response for me to go in.
The journey was awful, made feel awful, my eldest went to majorettes, my children had no idea about the pregnancy.
Hyperemesis had taken hold.

First Hospital Visit

I arrive at the reception, barely able to stand, the midwives led me to a bed.
Once again the memories of being back in the ward came flooding back. Nightmares.
I laid in the bed fearful to move, desperately holding onto my vomit, scared of being heard being sick. Fear of being sick.
Very soon I was put on fast flow fluids, with antiemetic going in too.
Finally after 6 litres of fluid I began to feel like a whole new woman, still nauseous but I could stand. Ketones had gone from 4+ to 1 no wonder I felt so rotten.
The midwife suggested I stay over night, but she knew how anxious I felt, so insisted I returned the next morning for my medication, to phone them instead of GP which felt like a relief in itself.

Morning After

Returning home, I managed some fries and some sleep.
The next morning, we returned to get my medication and to be told I would be able to get a scan too, to rule out a molar pregnancy or a twin one, no I felt scared.
I would hear in a few days.
Spending the weekend with a light relief, a break.
But of course it didn’t last long, the sickness returned, not as intense but just as miserable.
We returned for the scan, I turned away from the screen, to be told baby had a lovely heartbeat, relief was lovely, but I knew an 8 week scan didn’t mean a baby at the end.
With my spare ordantestron, I was able to do a little Christmas shopping. Wore me out but was nice.
That was the final day out I had for 17 days, aside from a friend doing school run and another visiting once a week, it was fast becoming a lonely, lonely place.
I was losing count how many times I was vomiting, I could barely look at a computer screen so couldn’t rely on my online friends again.

12 Week Scan

The 17th day meant it was time for my 12 week scan, another uncomfortable journey.
A short wait for the scanning room, I was called in, facing away from the screen, until it was OK to look, there it was, our bouncing waving baby.
I couldn’t show emotion, even that makes me sick!!!!
With weekly midwife visit and hearing the heart beat at the last one, makes this awful trimester a thing of the past.
Hoping the hg fades soon, but for now.
I am feeling Blooming Awful.
Dreaming of a sick free, normal pregnancy…
to be continued…..
hyperemesis

Under Construction-Hyperemesis

My Hyperemesis Gravardium Journey

Part One

Late August, beginning September we had that surprise second blue line.
That blue line we weren’t sure whether to be happy or fearful.
This of course being the calm before the scary storm…would it all work out okay?
Only it was just that a storm, the inevitable stomach cramps arrived. Then the rest.
No feeling just numb, my 4th miscarriage, our 5th loss.
At under 12 weeks, barely 6 I expected nothing more.
I felt nothing.
I guess a strange sense of normality..
“Here we go again”
My heart broke for Melody anything less for me…brings me nothing but numbness.

Pregnant

 The weeks came by everything went back to normal, then I had that feeling again, again missing something important.
A stronger blue line, thick black wording
“Pregnant 1-2”
I needed to ignore it, I needed to some how escape it, it would never last.
 The weeks went by, in a whirlwind of midwife meetings.
Then the Hyperemesis Gravardium – HG arrived (and has stayed).
Unable to keep food and drink in, a hospital visit for 6 litres of fluid,
and an early scan revealing a little heart beat flickering away.

 

Desperately hoping the HG would be worth it.
Living with HG has been awful this time, disabling almost,
but one again at 12 weeks we see a bouncing wiggly little person, attempting to suck its thumb.
Unable to bond due to fear of losing it and HG has been hard work.
So here I am wanting to share my HG story…13+4 and very much counting.
I hope you can hold my hand (& hair) while I do everything but bloom.