The Red Head Diaries

The Dark Side of the Rainbow

The Rainbow baby sentiment that gives hope and comfort
to most people who have suffered a terrible loss of a baby.
A life of colour after a horrendous storm.
Only it isn’t all about pretty colours, butterflies and happily ever afters.
When a rainbow doesn’t make things better.
I do occasionally struggle with the term rainbow baby after Melody,
because I don’t see her as a storm.
Some storms can come and go but what is left behind is a unrepairable wreckage, that leaves deep hidden scars.
The scars that aren’t obvious until you really look hard.
Parenting after a significant loss is a whole different world,
to when you had the pretty rainbow naivety. A rainbow was supposed to be a brighter world.
My little boy, from when he was born suffered heat rash, he gets it in the summer and of course when he is under the weather, it is normal for him.
Our daughter after Melody, has for the second time in her life for the past three days has been poorly.
Nasty cough and cold, only yesterday she was unable to control her temperature even with medicine, and she began to develop rashes, one particularly dominate.
They began to frighten me, the GP had no appointments left, not even emergency ones, the poor girl was now screaming.
It was left to take her to the place I fear, terrified.
The A&E were so incredibly understanding, as we have a priority pass through the scheme we’re under they made it very clear we were in the right place.
Losing an infant changes everything, your life, your parenting changes
for ever.
Lucky for us it is a viral infection and nothing too serious, but seeing her in so much distress,
and having seen the worse possible case scenario, you begin to re-run everything in your head.
Hearing those awful words again.
This for me is why a rainbow baby isn’t so happy or as simple as living as a non-bereaved parent would think.
The dark side is very dark.
And it really isn’t that pretty.
She has of course bought us some light and colour, which outweigh the dark.
But the dark is painful. It really is never that simple.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *