Under Construction Twelve

Milestone week.

We’ve also hit this.
We’re on double figure day countdown…
And as always we’re not ready, nowhere near.
To be honest, we’re still finding it quite hard to accept there is another little person that may be joining us shortly.
We just keep putting things off. Maybe it’s a form of protection.
I mean we still have pram and cot from before. But other things, we just put it off, that little bit longer.
Finding bonding a little harder this time.
Maybe the time of year, the amount of sickness I’m having with worry.
Mix of everything. Don’t get me wrong, I love how the baby wiggles, and worry when it doesn’t.
But my head and my heart are fighting each other.
Head closing everything off, making me numb I guess.
Heart desperately wants to get attached, to get excited, but at the same time its scared of being broken.
I do have some positive mental attitude, but it doesn’t last as long,
I’m not as fearful of scans this time, although of course I am nervous at them, but its a step closer to seeing the baby for real, I’m not a big wreck like last time.
* * *
The milestone of course, I am at the gestation (give or take few days), when Melody was born.
But I feel confident, that this baby will stay cosy bit longer.
It’s just a hill to hike, rather than a mountain.
* * *
I have started to pack hospital bags, that’s a step right?
Even after five babies, I still can’t get my head around these bags.
I went with a suitcase last time, I felt silly!
I’ve a medium holdall for me and a little holdall for baby.
My Hit list..(not all packed yet..)
I’m sure I’ve forgotten something
Mummy’s Bag.
PjsCheck! (Moomin beauties!)
Flap Jacks
Instant Coffee Sachets..Check! I am so Looking forward to my first coffee.
3in1 Hair/body wash..Check!
Tooth brush/paste…Check!
Going Home Clothes
Maternity Towels
Breast Pads
Phone Charger
Book or Kindle
Big Underwear
Dry ShampooCheck! Post section makes you feel disgusting, when you can’t move!
Presents for the new big brother and sisters

Breast Pump for the car.
Cushion (hospital pillows are the worst!!)

Baby’s Bag.
Cotton Balls 
4x Sleepsuits…Check!
4x Vests
Going Home Outfit…Check!
Anybody reading please enlighten me if I have left anything off!

* * *

Braved washing tiny baby clothes. I had forgotten just how small they are.

Absolutely love, love white baby clothes.
Right now I feel like I am on some kind of autopilot.
Not thinking too much into what I am doing next.
Washing the baby clothes seemed to be a natural next step.
Perfect way of showing PMA, especially this week.
Melody’s birth milestone, which I am confident we will pass without a hitch,
and her anniversary too.
* * *

Appointment Day

The day didn’t start as I’d have liked,
a sleepless night of trying to get the baby to move, waking up at 2:30am terrified I’d not felt it.
Eventually moves after a lot of persuasion, managing to finally fall asleep at 5 for an hour.

This of course wasn’t the end. Upon waking baby still wasn’t as active as it normally is.
Quietly panicking, readying ourselves for the school day.
I began to feel some what faint and just not right at the school, again hiding it well.
Although so far it’s been quite easy to hide my pregnancy at the school,
hiding the tiny I bump I do have, so as not to have to answer questions from people,
who usually wouldn’t bother talking to me.

Meeting with a friend for our usual Friday outing.
Sitting at the toddler group, I could feel myself getting worse, baby was still terribly quiet.
John’s collection for me didn’t come soon enough.

In the car left me open to think, so sit quiet and think, feeling horrendous, sick and dizzy,
it soon entered my head awful thoughts, thoughts I couldn’t shift.
Terrified I’d lost the baby.
Through tears in the car I tried hard to concentrate, unsure whether I could feel pokes or not.
I was scared.

I held John’s hand tight as we walked to the clinic, scared to let go.
We had a short wait for the scan room.
I told the sonographer, I’d had reduced movements, he was reassuring, and turned the screen to me.
Finding baby’s beating heart was the first thing he did.
Of course I cried.

Baby has daddy’s weird toes!
Second toe being bigger than the “big” toe!
Still cute.
Baby had change position, hence the movements being a little harder to feel than a few days ago.
It’s so hard to explain the relief, especially at this gestation, 26+3 when I was having my first steroids for Melody. Three days later she was evicted.

Of course the dreaded anniversary helps nothing either.
I wish so much I could have an easier joyous pregnancy, where I can flaunt it about, without a care in the world.
It’s draining.
I am tired.

Consultant was very pleased with growth, baby is 2lb 1oz.
Bigger than Melody.
Even my observations are perfectly fine!
The rougher I feel the better the baby is!!
Baby looks set to be my biggest, not by much, but I am happy with that!
Even if I feel blooming awful!
Hope baby starts to behave with movements soon.

Nutritionist gave the great news I don’t have Gestational Diabetes after a week of testing, as I couldn’t have the GTT. Although I kind of knew this, felt relieved to get it confirmed!
We’re trying another set of vitamins, because I really am struggling with energy levels, which is probably why I feel incredibly dizzy.
Would give anything to be able to eat or cook without being or feeling sick!
Even make plans.

American Hyperemesis ladies get to have pick-lines, and home IV bags, sadly it appears UK falls behind. Of course this counts towards the cuts the government continue to do.
At the moment there seem to be an influx of mums at my hospital with HG where medication just don’t work. It’s a shame that such an old condition lacks knowledge, research and cures.
The only way of getting awareness is if a Royal gets it, where us normals have to suffer in silence,
with offers of gingers and crackers, great comparison to morning sickness.
Acute Morning Sickness I think media and some people call it.
Nothing Cute about Hyperemesis.

Its debilitating and down right lonely!
Would get upset and angry at just how lonely and scary it is.
But quite frankly I don’t have that kind of energy, mentally or physically.
I am done..

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