Under Construction Thirteen

The home stretch..
The longest road..
The closer we get the more I worry, I simply can’t “just relax”.
Being plagued with yet another cold and tonsillitis due to low immunity I pick up everything going.
Fighting with trying not to vomit through swollen tonsils, was dare I say Р interesting.
Having just passed Melody’s anniversary, makes everything so real knowing
things can go horribly wrong. This fear won’t go away.
Living with an infant loss does this to you.
Have plucked up the courage to buy something for the baby though,
another task that is so bloody difficult, excitement gone.
Changing bag for baby, we went down the easy backpack route, we may end up having a toddler and baby in nappies, but as we baby wear a back pack would be easier for now.
And this although technically for us, another tiny little job I had been putting off,
because it involved the baby..
A Scrap Book for its Scan Photos.
We have a lot of appointments and scans, thanks to my very thorough consultant,
so thought be nice to document them.
I can’t even explain why it was a job to be put off, but being so poorly, and scared its I guess hard to focus on the end result.
“Not always Rainbows and Butterflies..”
Bonding is still very much playing on my mind.
Although I am finding a release documenting through this blog, find it harder and harder to speak excitedly, or any way about the bump.
Maybe if I don’t openly speak about it, it’ll make the chances of bringing the baby home, better.
Back to that protection again.I’m sure once baby is here AND reaches 5 weeks, that all important bond will appear.I just want that ignorant bliss, even when I’ve had miscarriages in the past before and one after Melody, I could still enjoy my pregnancies because they were earlier maybe.
I guess that’s is where the two completely differ…for me.* * *So reduced movements, led me here..

Baby in awkward position meant had to hold the thing on!
Baby was picked up on monitor, but still for me not as active as I’d like.
Usually a little nutter in there…
But not at the moment.
Hoping my next scan in the morning will give some reassurance.
Or maybe not…
A Blip?
Belly covered in jelly, she starts to take the measurements,
documents them on screen, but has to re-do them three times.
Baby it has had slow growth since the last scan, dropped off its line a little,
that coupled with reduced movements, I’ve to return in a week.
With instructions of not to go more than 3 hours without feeling movements.
I’m scared.
We’re scared.
Positive Mental Attitude
I feel so guilty I cannot eat as I should due to the Hyperemesis,
I hate HG so much. I want to eat, I want the vitamins and minerals.
Maybe it’s because I struggle to bond?
A moment of excitement?
(Arm in front of face).
Everything WILL be ok..
It has to be.
This really is getting harder.

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