Under Construction The final countdown…

So, here we are my final blog before baby’s arrival..
I’ve still a few more weeks, but I am attempting a chilled out approach, as I enter the final weeks of ever being pregnant.
I will be going ahead with the sterilisation procedure during the c-section.
I am done.

Not sure what I am excited about the most,
meeting the baby,
being sterilised,
or eating…without vomiting!

These final weeks the Hyperemesis has really taken its toll.
With new symptoms of sore throat, mouth and even split tongue, resulting in my usual “safe” drink of lemonade stinging my mouth every time I drink.
I am fast running out of options on what I can comfortably drink without it coming back.
It really has been an incredibly long road.
From 24th October 2014, when I first had the positive pregnancy test.
The HG arriving at 5 weeks and never leaving.
The loneliness of relying on the husband, one local friend and two from a far, weighs heavier when you feel so alone, the world passing you by, when you feel like you’re in the gutter and can’t move.
Countless hospital visits and drips.
The abundance of anti-emetics, vitamins, injections
“To keep me going, to help the baby grow”.
It has been incredibly hard to get the understanding regarding the severity of HG.
HG aside there’s been the stress of all the what ifs. Fears that it’ll all go wrong again, of course losing a living baby that wont change.
Again it’s not something you can truly have understanding with. There is nothing comparable.
So can be hard to speak to people around you with real understanding,
making it all even more isolating.

Simply because I’m not text book.
It is incredibly draining, quite possibly not helping the HG as I’m sure stress exacerbates it somewhat

I still can’t comprehend this baby as a rainbow, the realisation of how poorly I have been, the knowing that no matter how many children I could have had after Melody.
Our storm will never ever be over.
The baby will hopefully be a wonderful addition to our ‘little’ family.
It’ll get told of its sister who was with us only a short time, I know the baby’s siblings will tell wisely.


* *

This blog really has helped me, to get things out when I’ve been to scared or worried to be too open.
I am having a job focusing on these last few weeks, I know I need to keep going. So close, yet so far.
I would like to mention my support network,who I have no idea where I would be without.
My midwife so many people slate their midwives and of course I’ve mentioned before that I have come across the more difficult ones. But my midwife has been amazing, weekly visits because of my risk factors, to ensure I always having reassurance. Especially when the fear takes over what is supposed to be a happy time.
My consultant for taking my needs on, without judgement, or to say how crazy I am for doing it…again. To see me fortnightly, more if I wanted but I’ve found fortnightly so incredibly helpful, see our baby also having the consultant try their best to give me some kind of HG treatment, that hasn’t been easy. And to hopefully help bring our new baby home, even if I have had to inject myself for 6 months…and counting!!

Thanks to the couple of school run helpers.


Mrs N for being my countdown, keeping me sane, when I couldn’t lift my head off my pillow, we could still…just about chat from afar every single day.
Miss A again, attempting to lift my spirits from a far. And an understanding ear.
Both helping to make me feel less alone.
Wish these two lived closer.

Mrs C, who this time last year I was writing adventures for, but she has been a keeper!
Visiting every single week without fail, so I wasn’t always lonely, taking the toddler off my hands when the HG was so bad, I could barely look after myself.
Texting most days in between visits, dragging me out of the house when I felt brighter days.
Holding my hand when it was Melody’s birthday and I was too ill to do anything.
This lady helped give me a day in the week to focus on, when every day seemed blackened.
I cannot thank her enough.
I cannot wait for our adventures to resume!
Don’t know where I’d have been without her.

This may seem very dramatic, but in the cold light of day, you really do discover who shines through at times like these. I may be pregnant but with an added complication that has been immobilising.

If you ever have someone close to you who suffers from HG, please PLEASE don’t ever make them feel alone, it is hard enough to cope with, without doing it alone. 
You really do need a support network, not just a fleeting few. 

Which of course brings me to my husband, without his understanding and his caring nature, there would have been no way to move forward, to find the light at the end of the tunnel.
He has been my nurse, my husband, taxi service, my pharmacy delivery, dealt with the children. Everything.
Whilst doing his day job, also writing and his early morning routine. Has never put me down, or made me feel guilty, he tells me every single day I’m either sexy or beautiful, even after 10 plus rounds of vomit.
He still thinks I’m amazing…
I’m sure I have driven him crazy.

Raving Mad.
But then all the best people are.

* * *

So, at the beginning of this entry, I said I was going for the chilled approach
and this is where the chilled approach led me…

Reduced movements for three days, then of course the usual ketones due to the blasted HG, with added protein, leading to lots of drinking, an emergency sandwich and fear of Pre-Eclampsia.
So bloods were taken.
Thankfully cleared for the Pre-Eclampsia.
However baby is still very much misbehaving with reduced movements.
Have to make sure I ring up every time, which at the moment seems often, difficult when we’re borrowing a car, so sounds bad makes me reluctant to phone, so as not to keep putting on people.
This week’s scan cannot come quick enough.
The reduced movements just makes it harder to find that light at the end of the tunnel,
to make me fearful that we’ll lose at this final hurdle.
My movements were hit and miss with Melody, and I know I am a lot further on from her,
but plays very heavily on my mind.
Off to find some calm

* * * *
So, I tackled the Aldi Baby Event, didn’t get a lot, but felt like we had done something.
Including a new addition to my nappy addiction!

Hospital bags now completed, although, with still a few weeks left, they will get rearranged and back again, that I am sure…

They’re not that big!
Makes me very nervous..

* * * * *

Scan day.
Strange feeling knowing this is our last ever scan.
Going from fortnightly, to a biggish gap until baby arrives
(with open access to the ward and to the clinic,
so am not left entirely alone, my history won’t allow that, this with weekly midwife too).
It is always an emotional trip to some extent, no matter how many times we would go, it would still be the area our beautiful 35 day old daughter died, of course this will never change.
I do have two lots of steroids to go before I completely break free.

But today there was an added emotion, an end of an era I guess, of course I couldn’t show too much,
didn’t want to be sick!
Climbing the table for the hopefully last time, waited as she placed the jelly onto my tummy.
There on screen was our baby,
breathing, swallowing, poking its tongue out as if it was licking its lips.
Hand cosy in front of the face.

Still on the dinky side, but to be fair as long as baby comes home
I and the doctors aren’t too worried.

I finally feel a bond, this is a massive step for me, huge because the thought terrifies me,
but just look at that face….that is our baby.

(actually bond is so very much there, I have nearly let slip the gender a few times writing this!)
It WILL come home and stay longer than 5 weeks.

Thank you so much for following my journey (if you have).
It has been a long and slow journey, of course being a bereaved parent it doesn’t end on delivery.
It isn’t a magic cure.
There is no magical cure.

Again thank you, looking forward to my birth announcement post…
All in good time..

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