Under Construction Nine
The hg is still at present ruling my life.
Imprisoned in fear of being sick in public.
Having to eat the same few foods, day in day out.
Watching your friends go for coffee, for cake.
Having hg is not the worst, because I am so blessed to be pregnant.
The guilt, the gratefulness I should feel because I’ve lost one daughter, but I’m pregnant again. I feel it all the time.
But the hg won’t even let me cry for that daughter.
Emotionless, because even that makes me vomit.
Made of stone.
The fear of bonding, the fear of breaking hearts again..Terrified it’ll all be for nothing.
PMA, the excitement – back to being emotionless. Cold.
The emotions that come with not only the hg but a pregnancy after loss, is hard, so hard to explain.
Desperate to find that Positive Mental Attitude, people insist I find.
I will find it, just maybe not this week. The week leading to what should have been Melody’s birthday. If only.
Maybe once it passes I’ll have a day or so to achieve some kind of PMA. At least until her anniversary. These months are so heavy.
Heartbeat and hiccups heard.
Baby is getting more active. That’s the best bit.
The Weeks are moving closer to those weeks.
I feel incredibly lucky to have an understanding husband,
who is hating having to help inject me!
It is the turn of the leg, stomach is too battered and bruised.
The far away friends M and J
for keeping me in check.
And of course my local visitor T, who comes very week, maybe I’m her nan!
Although it is fairly hard at the moment. I never see the backs of their heads.
HG is debilitating and lonely.
Off to search for that PMA!
Only 10 days until next scan, maybe it’ll be there….