Under Construction Fifteen

Single figure count down.
Nerves are really settling in.
Sickness continues to remain, the amount of medications makes me nervous,
even more nervous should I say!
We had been putting off getting the baby things for weeks and weeks.
As I have mentioned before, we’re terrified.
There is the normal pregnancy worries.
Then there is the fear that we endure, its hard to explain to those who truly don’t understand;
they only think they understand.
We set aside a day to do this much needed shopping, hard being a vomiting mess.
Even the internet shopping hadn’t been encouraging.
We filled our trolley slowly, the doubts set in.
I could feel myself panicking, welling up.
At which point we knew it was time to go to the checkout, before we ditched our full trolley.
Items in boxes, with tags nicely hidden away…
forgotten about until we hopefully need to use them.

Taking full advantage of the Real Nappy Week that was on last week, I even braved buying baby some new fluff! Determined not to come home with disposables.
Love Cloth Bums.

* * * *
The HG getting obvious again this week.
Before I continue, I am very lucky to have two regular health professionals backing my corner with the HG. My Midwife and my Consultant. And for a short time a nutritionist who did her best to test me for deficiencies.

Hyperemesis is rare affecting 0.5-2.0% of pregnant women, it is a small amount and is very often hard for health professionals (as well as general public) to tell the difference between HG and morning sickness.
It causes a numerous amount of complications including dehydration, ketosis nutritional disorders, not to mention the physical and emotional stress on the body too.

Fluid drips, vitamin supplements have been the things to help me function.
I have been over on many occasions for fluids, and I know when I am not feeling right, I can tell in my own body if my ketones are showing alot, this makes me feel worse, and after an IV I am reset I guess, feeling like a different woman.
I test my own urine in between visits, (not every day!) due to when I get pre-eclampsia I change very quickly, so acting fast is of great importance.

A couple of weekends ago I hit a wall, where I tested off the scale for ketones, I wasn’t feeling right, I felt dry, just not right, although I sip little and often, it mainly works, but the odd day it catches up with me and makes me feel awful.
I contact antenatal, to be told to suck sweets, it’ll resolve it.

Making me feel silly.
I’m a fairly shy person, so I find phoning for advice is quite a hard task, because I don’t want to waste anyone’s time

With the help of forcing fluids, not easy when you’re fighting to throw up, with diorolyte, by the time I was seen at my weekly appointment, my ketones had lowered.
Being sick has changed too, bringing up stomach acids more than anything, burns it hurts.
It hurts anyway now, but acids is a whole other level. What ever I can eat is quickly absorbed, so I don’t always bring up food, just the acids.

So a week ago, I had a horrendous pain behind my section scar, the only way I could describe it was electrical prod behind there, this coupled with feeling yet again worse for wear.
I knew I needed to see someone, as I have had four previous sections my lovely midwife suggested to phone straight through to antenatal. Again the nerves kick in.
They tell me I need to be seen.

Ketones  yet again high, this time I felt relieved to be seen…
Firstly someone came, I felt sore, my bump felt sore from my pains earlier.
In a tone I wasn’t sure about questioning me over and over if the pain was baby’s toe, over and over I kept saying no, beginning to feel really silly now…
baby is transverse and likes to lie close to my rib cage.
I’m sure I am wasting time.

I was put on the CTG monitor baby seemed happy, I had to wait for Dr.
Bump was still sore but eased off, I wanted to go home, but knew my ketones needed sorting.

The Dr came.
They were happy that scar was no doubt ligaments, a relief.
We went through my meds, she stated the meds that I am on are powerful, how one is used for Chemotherapy patients…I know.
I don’t want to be on them.

It was then I was *told* I NEED to eat more, take a big bottle of water to bed drink it through the night. Basically need to push through it, as I’m not being sick (she didn’t ask and I am), then I should at least (those awful un-knowledgeable words again) be trying to drink and eat normally….
I could have a drip if I wanted, but I need to drink that big bottle of water…
I declined, I wanted to go home…I wanted to stop feeling an inch big.
I hate being there anyway.

I do not want Hyperemesis,
I do not want to be sick every single day
I do not want the worry of a small baby….again.
I don’t want the pain of acid reflux and being sick.

I do want a healthy baby.
I do want to eat, and keep it down
I do want to drink water.

I am tired of having to explain myself, of feeling like a burden,
if its not about baby loss its about the HG.
I am not text book, but I make no apologies for that.
I am tired of telling people I can’t tolerate water,
lemonade is the only one for me and that I am trying foods.
I am tired of telling people we had a neonatal loss.

I am tired

I never asked for this pregnancy complication.
Just a little understanding of what hell this is for me, for my family.
How hard it is to make plans for day to day simple things.

I am trying so hard to eat, to drink.
I’m not wanting to be/feel this way, would give anything to have a nice and normal pregnancy,
where I can eat silly cravings of things, laugh when I eat coal dipped in chocolate.
Or jars of pickled things.
A little understanding from professionals, is that really too much to ask?

To travel home in tears, which is actually not easy, when crying makes you feel sick.
Hoping, desperately hoping that I can make another 8 weeks of not contacting the hospital again.
No visit until I am booked for my steroids.

So no after, all this Hyperemesis is NOT morning sickness, it is not even in the same league.
Women terminate their pregnancies because of poor care, because HG is so debilitating.
Much, much more needs to be done, even if its a form of better HCP support.
To know there is some kind of understanding out there.

Because it is so, so miserable.

To add I do not have a fear of food, just the vomit, my body is the one rejecting it, my brain is crying out for chocolate, a mug of tea or coffee.
My hospital bag, when I brave it to pack it will have yummy treats for post section,
even coffee sachets!
I have requested Jacket Potato, Beans and Cheese as my coming home food.
I am very much looking forward to it!!

* *

I would like to say how incredibly lucky I am to have such an understanding husband,
and of course children.
I know I have said it before but I say it over and over again. He has done so much in this pregnancy.
Of course I couldn’t be here with out him 😉 but joking aside, I really couldn’t have done any of this
the hospital trips, the pharmacy runs, the countless medications.
Even the not so pleasant conversations, he really has been my rock.

* * * *
Scan Day
Finally something positive.
Really lovely scan.
Baby is still below average, but is following its line.
It appears the medication that helps with IUGR is helping somewhat.
Makes the daily injections, multiple bruising, even the dripping blood, if I hit the wrong area,
worth it. Baby isn’t predicted to be big, but considering how poorly I have been, its hardly surprising!!


The Aspirin, which is for Pre-Eclampsia prevention appears to be working too!
Saw a different consultant today, he wanted an interesting (!) case ha! Was very thorough, and was very pleased with how my scan was today.
Encouraged me to continue to contact the ward with issues that arise, especially the ketones.
Back again in a fortnight!
Hoping for more positivity.
Here is baby being as cheeky as its siblings, sticking ones tongue out at the screen!
We can officially brave another baby shop…well maybe!
Quick, it won’t last long.
Best make a start on that bag now.


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