The Road to Our Birth Announcement!!!

16 Days To Go
Beginning to get stressed, I was fed up anyway but tonight it was a built up meltdown. 
Tired worn down and downright drained, sobbing until I felt sick. 
Feeling incapable for anything being a wife or mother. 
Scared of bonds either being broken or not even formed, I felt confused with exactly what I was feeling. Was it normal? Or normal for me?
Am I a terrible person? 
So many doubts and fears, this is harder than I had ever imagined. 
Hurry up 16 days. 
* * * * * 
15 Days To Go
I couldn’t have the countdown without a visit to the ward!
Blood Pressure up slightly, glitterly lights, headaches didn’t let me escape a visit. 
Interesting to say the least.
Was a long afternoon of CTG, BP and urine monitoring.
Very thankful I was given the all clear, HG and end of pregnancy side effects. 
Six hours later to go home, although baby is set to come earlier than due date I really don’t want it that much earlier. 
Homeward Bound.
* * * * *
14 Days To Go
This is turning put to be more daily than I’d like!! 
HG off day, head glued to pillow, disappointed to say the least. 
Vomiting before meds get a chance to leave my throat, leaving me unsure if I can take any more, so sofa cuddles in the hope it is just a one off blip that is passes quicker than it arrived. 
Toddler cuddled up, being kicked by her soon to be new sibling, 
she’s beginning to like the feeling and giggling as she is being poked by mummy’s tummy. 
Mondays are usually mine and little lady’s snuggle day, her older siblings are back at school, she finds it very quiet. 
She misses them terribly. 
But realise that today is our last snuggle Monday for a while, with an appointment next Monday morning of course the BIG day the following Monday.
Hope we can continue our snuggles. 
* * * * * 
11 Days To Go
Another visit to the ward, blood pressure up again, well for me.

134/94, protein showing up too. 
Off on a blood delivery for me..

But after Ten Minutely BPs on the ward, my pressure returned to normal range. 
Once again I was allowed home, after bloods returned normal. 
To return in two days for repeat P.E.T review.
This is going to be a rather long 11 days.
* * * * *
9 Days To Go
Return to ward, for my review, 
an hour wait and a full M.O.T.
Once again I was free to go, I am sure the visits make my anxieties worse!

* * * * *

7 Days To Go

Long awaited appointment, made at roughly 20 ish weeks, back in March. 

And now it is finally here. An appointment for steroid injections to help with baby’s lungs on arrival. As baby isn’t quite”full” term, and a section baby, we’re gladly accepting anything that will help avoid a special care visit for our baby. 
I’ve had the injections in my last two pregnancies, and can remember very well how painful they are!
Well it wasn’t as bad as I had remembered actually, although maybe the months and months worth of clexane injections in my leg has helped toughen it up a little….maybe!

One Down…One to go.

* * * * *

6 Days To Go

37 weeks!!

Second steroid injection today, wasn’t as pain-free today, bit of a wimp!

Although for me I can only describe it as feeling either like bleach being injected or when you walk at full speed into a tow bar or something metal. 
Maybe the opposite leg is more sensitive, it is my bleeder leg, when I do my clexane. But still all done now, anything to take baby straight home. 

So, we thought we would take a huge step today.

The tiny one was putting up the bunk bed..

It is terribly girly, and has really transformed the room. 
Very pleased with it. 
The biggest step would be 
Putting the baby’s cot up, still terrified that we’ve made a wrong move. 
But deep breaths taken and it went up..
Of course baby won’t sleep in it all night for a good while, but do want baby to get used to the cot and the room, and for the girls to get used to the space in their room. 
The Frozen poster will move so baby has a corner too, really quite pleased with it.
I just really hope we’ve not jinxed anything. 
(I know a cot won’t hurt the baby, but this is what happens when you have lost a child).

* * * * *

4 Days To Go

Final Antenatal Midwife appointment today, quite a surreal thing, as I’ve had this appointment every week from the beginning. 

Couldn’t have asked for a more amazing midwife. 
Little tiny blip resulting in more bloods being taken and sent, but at the time of writing, no news is obviously good news. 
Baby had been fairly quiet past few days, but with some midwife prodding, it retaliated throwing some very peculiar shapes, so an afternoon was spent AWAY from the ward…AWAY! Good baby!
Next time I see her I’ll hopefully have our lovely baby!

Our special baby gadget was delivered today too..

our ‘neonatal’ monitor, as have mentioned before we’re under the Care Of Next Infant Scheme (CONI), we get a monitor that attaches to baby’s tummy, to help monitor the breathing, offers great reassurance. 
We used it last time, but not all the time, but was helpful to have to hand. 

Think it is beginning to feel real. 


* * * * *

3 Days To Go 

Nerves really are beginning to kick in. The other side of the week end and we’ll be hopefully meeting the baby. 
My hormones are absolutely raging, feeling so heavy, so bad tempered. 
I’m feeling a little out of control, overwhelmed I guess. 
Did manage to go for lunch with two of my closest friends, something that has been really hard to achieve lately with being so horribly picky with food. 
Was nice to feel normal. 
Returned home to a delivery of these, from a friend from afar, 

These and a card, my lucky Minions, installed into my hospital bag. 
Made me smile. 
This also arrived, in the hope it’ll help calm me over the next few days. 
An adult colouring book, very much wishful thinking I reckon. 
but I am willing to try anything to calm these ever increasing nerves. 
Every now and again I get a short sharp feeling of breathlessness, panicked by the next few days. 
Terrified feeling really masks feeling excited. 
I wish I could get excited. 
Terrified of the Section terrified that we’ll have to tell the children that our baby has died again. 
They say how excited they are, and all I can say is 
And they say it’ll be ok mummy, it’ll come home. 
Terrified something will happen to me too.
I hate this, I hate having this feeling. I need to be full of excitement. 
But fear controls it so badly, 
I wish so badly I had the ignorant bliss, to never feel this way. 
It’s crippling. 
Focussing on the day after section, where all I’ll be feeling is post section pain. 
Although the anxiety will remain, hoping it’ll not be as intense.
The plus note, I have a few days break from these
Having done them since December for poor mobility and IUGR babies, my legs and tummy are having a welcome break!
* * * * *
Two Days To Go
Quiet day, doing the final few things, like turning the pushchair back into the newborn setting. 
Felt unbelievably overwhelming. Stood in the lounge, not quite the elephant in the room…but almost. It’s bugging me. 
Ignore, Ignore, Ignore…..
* * * * *
One Day To Go
A strange kind of day, so incredibly surreal. 
A few good luck texts coming through in excitement or “only one more sleep”.
To me it felt surreal. 
I am insanely in denial about tomorrow. 
I cannot get my head around that we’re “hopefully” having a baby. 
The day has been slow and quiet, two of the children are out for the day for competition.
My last ever evening of being pregnant, mu final bump photo
Never to experience this again, not that I regret my choice, 
it is definitely a relief.
I cannot even put into words how I am feeling, there is such a strange atmosphere here. Up and down. 
The Hyperemesis journey almost at an end, although I am hoping it’ll be instant relief, I’m sure it won’t quite work that way. 
The next Chapter, the fear will of course still remain, 
that will never be instant either.
I am slightly worried about being Nil By Mouth from midnight, only sips of water until 7am, but really for me it’ll be nothing at all as I still can’t tolerate water.
Being empty burns which makes me feel sick.
Scared I’ll be sick during the procedure, that won’t be pleasant, although I do get meds during. 
The idea of not being in control of my sickness for however many hours fills me with dread. 
My mother in law arrived this evening to help with the children. Making it even more real. 
So lovely to see her.
Sitting here, giving the baby pokes, you know to make sure it is still ok. 
Moving and squirming still at 37+5 weeks, makes me know babies don’t run out of room. 
I have emptied and re-packed our hospital bags, I feel as if I am on auto pilot, almost numb. 
I don’t know what to do or what to expect. 
You think I would by now. 
But hubby informs me I felt exactly like this the last time. 
Selective Memory…
Today Is The Day
It is finally here
4am: Waking with a terrific headache, no way to take water or any other fluid, so no going back to sleep for me!
I pressed play on the blu-ray to watch faithful Grey’s Anatomy, not that I was really concentrating on it. 
I watched our toddler sleep peacefully, as I was sleeping in HER bed for once instead of her in ours!
I am beginning to feel hungry, probably over thinking, nothing I can do about it. 
I really hope the HG goes once baby is born. 
6am: Finally came, time to get everyone up, to pass the time get everyone ready for school and the day. 
Not before long the vomiting arrives, I guess end the pregnancy as it begun.
A big vomity mess!
I hope I can eat soon. 
7am: We leave the house, somewhat dazed and confused, still so incredibly surreal, bags in the car ready for this “adventure”.
Poor John with manly baby brain, misses our turning…twice! He has put up with so much these many months, no surprise I’ve pickled his brain!
He is simply amazing!
He is just as terrified, I wish I could be as calm as him though. Inside I am sure he is screaming. 
8am: We arrived at the ward, the waiting and wondering begins.
Desperately hoping it wouldn’t be long, we were sat by the kitchen, not helping this NBM HG lady in the slightest!
I am terrified.
9am: Was able to get some ranitidine, the anaesthetist arrives to discuss what will happen in theatre. I can feel my self getting more anxious. 
9:30: John is taken to get his scrubs
Whilst I had to get into my gown…no picture!!
10am: We’re told there’s an emergency, so our first on the list was being put back an hour or so. 
I just felt sick. 
10:45: we were told they were on their way to get us. I all of a sudden had a sense of calm. 
We were taken to the room that would be my recovery room, my bags placed there, and a Dr came for me to do my consent forms. 
No turning back now, though it wasn’t as if I had a choice. 
Before too long we were walked into theatre, where I sat on the gurney whilst one person put a cannula in and the anaesthetist worked on my back. 
It was uncomfortable and at times it did hurt, but after what seemed like an age I was assisted to lie down, as the spinal was working very quickly. 
 There was lots of movement, but the atmosphere was relaxed. 
My consultant walked in and she stood at my side. 
It was discussed that I’d have a new scar, I said this would be ok. 
Before long I could feel one of the assistants move from beside me to where my bump was to take photos for us. 
Almighty scream came from behind the walled curtain. 
Our baby had definitely arrived. 
12:29 Our 6lb baby girl arrived very much screaming. 
We all joked that her steroids for her lungs had worked. 
There was delayed cord clamping until pulsating stopped, our new baby was taken to be cleaned and weighed.


Even managed skin to skin where baby was trying to suck her thumb!
The whole thing was incredibly calm and relaxed.
I can’t even explain the calm, aside from obviously wanting a “natural” birth which would never happen, for my final birth it was absolutely perfect. 
I didn’t notice the time passing whilst being stitched, it only felt like 5 minutes before I was being transferred to a bed and back to recovery.
Finally no sooner had we been back to recovery, tried giving baby a breast feed, she took to it perfectly. 
And has fed pretty much constantly ever since. 
Was home the next day, full of relief, although HG is still lingering. 
Reading her notes she was 37+1 too. 
That’s it our little Calliope’s journey from stick to now!
Thank you so much for following/reading.
It has been an insanely difficult time.
Calliope Luna
Our HG Warrior. 
(named after her big sister)


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