I have been through many difficult periods of my life; I have also made some awful mistakes. I’m not perfect. Things I always thought were the worst I could ever go through, even things I have blocked the best way I can from my memory.
It wasn’t until watching our baby girl die on our arms, that everything I ever saw were difficult periods dissolved into nothing. Of course there are worse things than losing a young baby, but to me (and I wouldn’t want anything else to happen), losing her has been the most difficult.
It isn’t a time though, as now it is a permanent life changing thing that has happened, but the bigger picture the things that happened as a result of her death have led to difficult times; confusing times.
We watched family and friends turn their backs, when the family who are supposed to hold you up are the ones who help to push your head under water. Trying to adjust to such a loss, whilst wracking our brains about why people could see our grief be offensive, or use it against us in some way.
I think that would have been the most difficult. Maybe our expectations were high on how people, particularly family and friends would support us through the loss of our girl. Five years later there are things that have gotten better, whilst other parts I don’t think will ever repair.
The hurt left behind can never be forgotten, time has helped us become the bigger people, but it can’t help with forgiveness.
The saying really is true, that you certainly discover who your people are when times are hard.
The Red Head Diaries.