I’ve really struggled this week. Unfortunately the Butterfly Awards really set me back a little with emotions, which I have explained here. I lost all writing motivation, I’ve gotten behind with posts I’ve just not been in a cheerful enough mood. Anxiety has really played a big part in my week.
I’m really lucky that I have my husband to release to, it has been the thoughts that parenting after a loss is actually really bloody difficult. I wish that I could blank and ignore things, but I can’t.
I was miles away, barely any signal or WiFi. I’d been made aware of a situation, but I felt helpless. For a while I couldn’t physically speak to my children, cross ringing, poor signal; I knew they weren’t hurt or involved but I needed to speak to them.
It was horrible. I soon managed to speak to my friend, who’d said she had managed to take them to their destination. They were OK but tearful.
It’s played on me, that I wasn’t there for them for this moment to hug them, to reassure them. I’ve felt like I failed them. I’m grateful to my friend and the Majorettes to keeping them safe, but as a Mum I felt like I let them down.
In a weird way (I can’t explain why, but I know that people who ‘know’ will understand) it took me back to the final 24 hours of our daughter’s life, we left her happy, she was OK and safe. Then we still lost her.
I’m not a control freak, but being so far away from them I just felt like I was out of control as a parent.
I’m very nervous about leaving them due to the above reasons.
But I’m thankful, very thankful that they were cared for and safe.
I know people will think I’m weird, but that for me is how my anxiety effects me sometimes. I bloody hate it.
It makes me feel selfish too.
The situation brings me to praising the community in which the Majorettes and Carnival clubs are. To show our support to the very special family involved we decided to change our social media pictures to that of a sunflower with love. It went viral, it wasn’t something we ever imagined. Lovely to see people-strangers some of them come together. I’m proud that my children are part of such an amazing community, I feel privileged to be a committee member.
I’ve managed to increase my hours at work which has made me really happy, so 4 out of 5 shifts, plus relief cleaning; it has been lovely to spend more time within the work force.
The weird weather we have had this week, the named storms ending the week but earlier on we we very lucky to have been able to see a RED sun. It was amazing to see, the skies were yellow, unfortunately my camera phone didn’t pick it up as well as I had hoped for; but it was stunning
No Friday antics this week…Need to use our imaginations I reckon!!
Final Carnival of the Season, it was lovely I could be there this week. It was lovely seeing everyone come together, wearing sunflowers, offering kind gestures.
My light up shoes were actually COMFORTABLE!!! Definitely something to be cheerful about.
I hope you have managed to find something cheerful, just a tiny thing.
One Day at A Time.