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#100happydays Day Fifty Four

No photo today.
A day spent with friends.
I’ve always had a close group of friends, I struggle to make new ones.
But I feel so positive about life just now, I’m really comfortable within my couple of circles.
Gone were the days I open up to people easily, sadly as recently discovering that by doing so only opens you up to having your own words turned back.
It’s hurtful, but it just shows what kind of people THEY are. Not me. I know I don’t need that kind in my life. I can’t be positive with negative energy.

Our baby girls had fun at soft play. As always it was great to get out and about.

#100happydays Day Nineteen

I have had such a lovely day, spending it with some lovely people and children.

With a brief loan of this gorgeous Fidella Fly-Tai, very much have my eye on one of these, but of one of their different designs. It is absolutely gorgeous. I am a wrap/Tai fan, so this is right up my street. Calliope loved it too, she went to sleep quickly in it.

Enjoyed lunch at the Hideout , very delicious and very child friendly too. 
Really impressed. 
Even catered for my Dairy free, gluten free diet too. 
Upon returning home, I had initially been red-carded, by the postman, usually it gets returned to the sorting office, to await collection for the next day, only today the postman left it with a neighbour. 
He must have known how important this parcel was. 
And although I don’t really believe in signs, maybe Melody sent him something, because this arrived.
A copy of Melody’s “going home” outfit. I am so pleased we have it, and so unbelievably grateful to the lady who sent it, there are simply no words. 
Its a funny feeling having it in our hands again I cannot put into words how it makes us feel having this with us. 
Many people still find the concept of having internet only friends strange, but I really don’t know what I’d have done with out my internet “weirdos” 
We have her dress!!
Emotional Days…

hyperemesis

Under Construction Eight – Hyperemesis

The milestones are coming.
The limbo is coming to an end.
This for me is far scarier.
I know some find 12 weeks their safe zone, some even think 8 weeks is safe.
Which to be fair if its someone close, I wonder if Melody’s story means anything.
I know she has taught some valuable lessons, makes me feel she’s doing something.
I think losing her, well even her birth taught me so much more than nothing is safe.
But I’ve learned so much more about being attuned to my body.
Although not had to use that yet!!
This next half is a whole other level of scared.
Its what keeps me on my toes!
I’m in for one hell of a ride!

Another week of being able to hear baby’s heartbeat.
The blood tests begin, although we’re positive it’ll be nothing.
I still cant help wondering. But it helps a little to know I’m being cared for.
The anxieties, but I guess hormones are making things hard.

I’m finding it harder and harder to talk about my fears face to face with people.
I think maybe a fear of alienation, (although I think its too late for that) lack of understanding, not only due to the pregnancy fear, but the HG too.
And if I don’t talk about them, maybe I could pretend to be normal.
Maybe they’ll go away.
Tears help.
The HG is at the moment being aggravated by a cold and cough that seems to be lasting forever.
Picking up everything going isn’t fun.
With Anaemia now in the mix, its hardly surprising!
Does make me more concerned on how baby is really doing.
Its beginning to feel a little familiar, bit too close to Melody’s pregnancy.
But of course I know this IS the anxiety talking,
just hard to snap out of…
But people telling me to snap out of it won’t help either.
now, where’s the Spatone?!

This week I think I have finally felt the baby!
I think, still not overly sure, I can’t quite make my mind up.
I hope it’ll be soon. Impatient mini!

Bumpity bump!!

The sickness seems to be creeping in worse again.
Burning from the inside out.
Bringing up bits of blood again.
Yet its still being compared to morning sickness.
The wonder why magic pills just don’t work!
HG rarely stops after the first trimester.
If only!

Night before anomaly scan, and to say I’m nervous would be a  huge understatement!
I don’t think a lot of sleeping will be done tonight.
However the insomnia is letting me catch up with reading.
Almost completing Breaking Dawn for the millionth time,
I downloaded Casual Vacancy.
As a Harry Potter Fan I’m hoping I don’t miss the wizards!

😷

Friday the 13th.
Day of anomaly.
They say ignorance is bliss right?
Maybe if we don’t go, it’ll be fine, yeah?
A split second thought of course, if only for innocence?!
Awake since 3 ish.
Breaking Dawn now complete, Casual Vacancy Chapter Four!
Definitely no wizards!
Tiredness vs HG isn’t going to bode well.
Even before the scan arrival, the hospital itself always brings a trigger.
From not parking on ground floor to crossing the road so we dont walk next to NICU,
then of course crossing back for the clinic, I guess if we were being watched we’d look crazy.
No matter how many times we visit the place, it’s still a hard place to be.
I guess that’ll never change.
Faces recognisable, engrained into my memory.
Not very easy.

But I just need to keep breathing, keep focus!
And fill my bladder.

The random chatter as we attempted to quieten our anxieties down.
Managing to sort out my medication woes, was the first tiny relief.
Walking into the scan room,
Placing the warm jelly onto my belly, I briefly turned away,
“There’s the heartbeat”
That was my cue to look.
There it was lovely heart.
The woman was very thorough, explained everything as she went.
Baby on the smaller side of the scales.
And currently weighs 307g (11oz) 2 oz less than its older sibling at this stage.
Only 300 or so less than Melody’s birth weight!

Just pleased its healthy.

Date-night

As part of our small friendship group, we all thought it would be a great idea to run a ‘babysitting club’.
We baby sit for each other, as it’s often hard to find sitters, so you can actually have a date-night, without feeling a little guilty, that you’re putting on people. As we’re fairly shy, John and I aren’t fans of asking.
So to co-inside with reaching our 5th year together we chose a date nice close to our ‘anniversary’
The world was our oyster.. it had felt like such a long time since we were able to pick anywhere, that wasn’t in our town, we didn’t quite know what to do with ourselves, we almost opted
just to sleep and get a take away!
Instead we chose Nando’s  John had never been there, I had but just as a lunch time moment.
To begin with I was a little reluctant about going, only because there are so many options, we didn’t know what to pick, but it was a welcome surprise.
They welcomed us at the door, and we didn’t have to wait for a table,
although it did seem busy on first arrival.
We ordered our meal and sat for a moment or two..
in silence.
We genuinely had no idea what to say, it was just quiet.
For me personally there is always a sense of guilt, with being a bereaved mum, that there is this judgement, that now, you’re not allowed a break, or to say you’re tired, because the guilt that we’ve lost a child, means we’re to never moan again and be grateful.
Of course we are, more than most will (luckily) ever imagine.
But I do realise, no amount of criticism, we are allowed adult, one to one time.
Back to the date-night, it almost felt like it was our first ever date (only with out the cardboard sandwiches).
It didn’t take long to get into the swing of things, and actually we were extremely impressed on just how quick our food arrived too.
I was very, very naughty and ordered grilled chicken burger, with the famous Peri-Peri sauce
(little hot for me, but still nice), garlic bread and chips too (naughty)!
I was actually a nice treat.
We held hands and chatted about everything that wasn’t parent related.
It was lovely and we were very grateful to our lovely friends who babysat for us.
By the sounds of it they had a wail of a time, Movie Night, munches and laughter.
Perfect night for all.
Date-Night ‘Selfie’.