Category Archives: Hyperemesis Gravardium

hyperemesis gravardium

Hyperemesis Awareness

Hyperemesis Gravardium isn’t “just morning sickness”.

For those of you who have followed me during my pregnancies will have learned that.

 

“I hate HG; I hate it with a passion.”

It is a thief, an attacker. It doesn’t matter what security, what alarms you have to prepare. Nothing, absolutely nothing prepares you for the effects, it has on you and your family. Even previous Hyperemesis episodes cannot prepare you for the level of severity of the next.

It beats your body, your mentality. HG steals pregnancies, bonds, and happiness.

It eats you alive.

This may sound incredibly dramatic, but if I am honest, there really are no decent words to fully describe HG, and to give the listener an understanding. I’ve had it five times. Five pregnancies (my miscarried babies, didn’t get cosy enough for Hyperemesis kick in). Each one of them being different, my older children’s pregnancies not being as rough as my most recent ones.

I’d never heard of it until I walked in to the doctor’s surgery in 2004, I’d heard of Morning Sickness, goes with the pregnancy territory. I’d been sick in several public places, including outside the Post Office, and had sprayed our newly painted bathroom wall. It was manageable. It finally left at around 24 weeks. I’d still be sick on and off, but I was OK.

Next baby two and a half years later, again it only lasted a short time, 18 weeks that time, but that was enough.

It’ll be worth it in the end.

When I remarried, we made the decision to have children together. I was expecting Hyperemesis. After two miscarriages, we conceived our baby. Ropey start but she got cosy, and so did the Hyperemesis, I could no longer do my agency job. The isolation begun; the boredom in friends, the expectations to still be normal, were high. The assumptions of hiding the vomiting were even higher. Because that was easy, right?!

The bond in the pregnancy, wasn’t strong it was difficult, antenatal depression hit. The pregnancy began to go wrong. 26+6weeks she was born due to HELLP syndrome a complication/variant of pre-eclampsia.

However at five weeks old she passed away. (Find Melody’s journey here. )They always tell you that it’ll be worth it in the end, but sometimes it really isn’t.

Doing it again.

We made the decision to have another baby; it was terrifying, not only due to her being a baby after the death of our daughter, but the Hyperemesis contend with too. I desperately wanted to take a baby home to my husband.

Once again I spent my time alone, terrified of everything going wrong again and sick. Listening to people telling me I was damaging my older children. Guilt, because I couldn’t just have a normal pregnancy, after all we’d been through Hyperemesis was still tormented us. We knew that Hyperemesis didn’t mean a baby at the end of it. I could manage an outing a week with a friend, weekly trips to the hospital, were my limits. It was just that, limiting. I lived on Ice cubes, Yorkshire puddings and pie pastry. Ice Cubes was the top one.

The sheer terror of staying in the hospital overnight, brought flashbacks from our daughter’s time there.

Stressful.

The pregnancy was stressful, I refused ante emetics, I know I should have accepted, but the professionals I spoke to were always unsure whether they were safe.

I didn’t want to bury another baby.

In 2013 at 38 weeks she was born screaming via C-Section.

It was over; I never would have to endure the vomit again. Heartburn remained for months afterwards; certain foods caused me pain or upset stomach, like white breads.

But the stress was over. I could move on from the Hyperemesis, people wanted to know again, I wasn’t so lonely.

 

Then it happened, seventeen months later…

Two little lines appeared on that white plastic stick, another brought the word “Pregnant”. These sticks which look so cheap, these throwaway items changed me in an instant. Fear came over me.

My final pregnancy began in 2014

Hyperemesis didn’t appear for a couple of weeks, I’d obviously tested very early. At roughly five weeks, it began to creep in. The sickness bands began to fail, though I kept wearing them, just in case they worked a little bit.  The need for medication was fast becoming obvious.

I was offered Avonomine first. I reluctantly agreed to try the medication this time, everything felt different; there was intensity about the way I felt. None of it felt right.

Within hours the Avonomine made me really ill, I couldn’t move, I felt suffocated, I couldn’t leave the bed.

The GP advised me to contact the antenatal ward, which leading me to my first trip to the antenatal ward resulting in six litres of fluid and meds. They suspected either a Molar or Twin pregnancy because I was so poorly.

There was only one.

It broke me.

The death of our daughter in 2012 was/is challenging and has changed our lives dramatically.

But this pregnancy, our youngest daughter’s pregnancy broke me.

I could barely lift my head from the pillow, standing was hard. It sapped the life out of me, I couldn’t even cry about it, because crying made me vomit. I was almost emotionless for months, even sheer joy made me feel queasy, not that, that happened often.

The bastard Hyperemesis stole my final pregnancy from me. It stole friendship, 9 months with my children, connections to the outside world. I couldn’t use the community I had come so reliant on, because even screen time made me nauseous.

I had a couple of people assist with school runs, but only one would come to see me week in week out. My husband bared the brunt of it all.

It attacked my confidence, my heart, making me more sensitive.

Once again I couldn’t bond with my baby; once again I was terrified she’d die too.

The scans (12 of them) were hard because I couldn’t sit still, or bare the car journey. I gave up driving for 7 months.

It.broke.me.

Keeping me alive

Two to three sickness medications a day, Clexane, Aspirin, reflux medication, vitamin supplements, shakes juices and regular midwife visits, (I was lucky in that my midwife would do weekly home visits to me),hospital trips for IV medication and fluids kept me…alive. I lived on Twister Ice Lollies, and Bacon Sandwiches (made with Pitta Bread).

I’m not exaggerating, although I believe anyone who suggests morning sickness or ginger to a Hyperemesis sufferer, probably think we all exaggerate. This proves people genuinely do not understand Hyperemesis to its full extent.

 

No More.

In 2015 at 37 weeks, due to our history and the HG, 37 weeks was agreed to be the best option to end the pain and the suffering.

She too was born screaming, loud.

Perfection in PND

I was sterilized at point of section. I cannot do it again.

It didn’t disappear on birth this time, it stayed for days, the nausea remained. I could barely eat. Baby was an image of our lost girl. I could barely look at her.

She screamed. I spent time in the bathroom sobbing every time she cried. I felt weak, scared. There was no let up on her crying, a sling with her saved my sanity. But she wouldn’t go with anyone else.

It was suggested to change my diet go dairy free for her. The screaming, my crying calmed. It is thought it may have all stemmed from the Hyperemesis.

Hyperemesis and Mental Health

To this day I’m still getting the odd flashbacks. Form of PTSD apparently.  I have had tummy bugs, which meant vomit since the Hyperemesis, it has made me realise how terrified of vomit I now am. A bit personal, but sex can scare me, although I’ve had my tubes tied and cut, I’m more than terrified of the prospect of a surprise pregnancy. It would be a disaster. I recently (although not really spoken about yet), had a positive pregnancy test, which turned out to be chemical. It was terrifying to imagine ever being that ill again.

I still can’t eat certain foods, our daughter can’t either. I hate Hyperemesis so much; it ruined my relationship with our daughter. We’re getting there, I love her to bits but it’s been bloody hard.

Not Morning Sickness

Hyperemesis is cruel, cruel disease. It should never be spoken of lightly. A lot more research is needed.

More HG friendly HCPs are needed.

Most importantly support is required.

Never assume it is just morning sickness or that the woman should hide it.

That woman is doing her best, to be a mother and protect her unborn child under the most impossible circumstances.

Rather than judge offer to help, research ways to help.. Be a friend, or family member to see through this awful condition.

For more information or support here.

 

I am still recovering mentally and physically from her birth, I would have loved to have sailed through any pregnancy, but I didn’t. The one thing I was put here to do and I couldn’t with ease, but I am grateful to have taken 4/5 of my children home. But I will always feel guilty.

 

 

My HG Heroes

Thank you for reading

The Red Head Diaries

 

 

 

hyperemesis

Hyperemesis Gravardium Awareness Day

The title of this post states, today is Hyperemesis Gravardium awareness.
For those of you who followed me during my pregnancy a year ago will know that HG isn’t “just morning sickness”.

I hate HG, I hate it with a passion. A thief, an attacker. No matter what security, what alarms you have to prepare. Nothing, absolutely nothing prepares you for the effects, it has on you and your family.
Attacking your body, your emotions. Stealing a pregnancy, a bond, happiness.
It eats you alive.
This may sound incredibly dramatic, but if I am honest, there really are no decent words to fully describe Hyperemesis and to give the listener an understanding.

I’ve had it five times. Five pregnancies (my miscarried babies, didn’t get cosy enough for HG to kick in). Each different in severity, different I length too. With my first babies not being as hard as my most recent.
I’d never heard of it until I walked into the doctor’s surgery 11 years ago. I’d been sick in several public places, including outside the Post Office, and had sprayed our newly painted bathroom wall. It was manageable. Finally leaving about 24 weeks. I’d still be sick on and off, but I was OK.
Next baby,8 years ago, again it only lasted a short time,18 weeks this time.

When I remarried, we made the decision to have children together. I was expecting to have Hyperemesis. After two miscarriages, we conceived our baby. Ropey start but she got cosy, and so did the HG, after crashing my car, it kicked in. Could no longer do my agency job. The isolation began.
The boredom in friends, the expectations to still be normal, were high. The assumptions of hiding the vomiting were even higher. Because that was easy, right?!

The bond in the pregnancy, wasn’t strong it was difficult, antenatal depression hit. The pregnancy began to go wrong.
26+6weeks she was born due to HELLP syndrome a complication/variant of pre-eclampsia.
However, at five weeks old she passed away. Find Melody’s journey here.

We made the decision to have another baby, it was terrifying, not only due to her being a baby after a death, but the HG to contend with too. I desperately wanted to take a baby home to my husband.
Once again I spent my time alone, terrified of everything going wrong again and sick. Listening to people telling me I was damaging my older children. Guilt, because I couldn’t just have a normal pregnancy, after all we had been through HG still tormented us. Because HG didn’t mean a baby at the end of it. I could manage an outing a week with a friend, a weekly trip to the hospital, were my limits. It was just that, limiting.
Terror of staying in the hospital overnight, flashbacks.
The pregnancy was stressful, I refused ante emetics, I know I should have accepted, but the professionals I spoke to were always unsure whether they were safe.
I didn’t want to bury another baby.
38 weeks she was born screaming via c-section.
It was over, never to endure the sick again. Heartburn remained for months afterwards, certain foods caused me pain or upset stomach, like white bread.
But the stress was over. I could move on from the HG, people wanted to know again, I wasn’t so lonely.

Then it happened.
Two little lines appeared on that white plastic stick. A stick that looks so cheap, changed me in an instant.
My most recent (and final) pregnancy.
HG didn’t appear for a good few weeks, I’d obviously tested very early. 6 or 7 weeks, it began to creep in. The sickness bands begun to fail. The need for medication became more.
Trying Avonomine first. I agreed to try the medication this time, something felt different, there was an intensity about the way I felt.
The Avonomine made me ill, I couldn’t move, I felt suffocated.
Leading me to my first trip to the antenatal ward for six litres of fluid and meds. They suspected either molar or twin because I was so poorly.
It wasn’t. Just one.
Her story is on this site – Under Construction.
Aside from the death of our daughter, this was the most challenging thing I’d done.
It broke me more.
I could barely lift my head from the pillow, standing was hard. It sapped the life out of me, I couldn’t even cry about it, crying made me vomit.
The thief,it stole from me. It stole friendship,9 months with my children, social things.
I had a couple assist with school runs, but only one person bothered to see me week in week out.
It attacked my confidence, my heart, making me more sensitive.
Once again I couldn’t bond with my baby, once again I was terrified she’d die too.
Scans(12 of them) were hard because I couldn’t sit still, or bare the car journey. I gave up driving for 7 months.
It.broke.me.
Two to three sickness medications a day, Clexane, aspirin, reflux medication ,vitamin supplements, shakes juices and regular midwife/hospital visits kept me…alive.
I’m not exaggerating ,although I believe anyone who suggests morning sickness or ginger to a HG sufferer, probably think they all exaggerate.

37 weeks ,due to our history and the HG,37 was agreed the best option to end the pain and actually the HG suffering.
She was too born screaming, loudly. Perfection.
I was sterilized at point of section. I couldn’t do it again.
It didn’t disappear on birth this time, it stayed for days,the nausea remained. I could barely eat.
Baby was an image of our lost girl. I could barely look at her.
She screamed. I spent moments in the bathroom sobbing every time she cried. I felt weak, scared.
There was no let up on her crying, a sling with her saved my sanity. But she wouldn’t go with anyone else.
It was suggested to change my diet go dairy free for her. The screaming, my crying calmed.
It is thought it may have all stemmed from the HG.

I’m still getting the odd flashbacks. Form of PTSD. When poorly it makes me realise how terrified of vomit I now am.
A bit personal, but sex scares me, although I’ve had my tubes tied and cut, I’m more than terrified of the prospect of a surprise pregnancy. It would be a disaster.
I still can’t eat certain foods, our daughter can’t either, awaiting dietician this month.
I hate HG so much, it ruined my relationship with our daughter. We’re getting there, I love her to bits but it’s been bloody hard.

Hyperemesis is cruel, cruel disease. Should never be spoken of lightly. A lot more research is needed.
More HG friendly HCPs are needed.
Most importantly support is required.
Never assume it is just morning sickness or that the woman should hide it.
That woman is doing her best, to be a mother and protect her unborn child under the most impossible circumstances.
Rather than judge offer to help.

For more information or support here.

Thank you if you’ve gotten this far.

hyperemesis

The Road to Our Birth Announcement!!!

16 Days To Go
 
Beginning to get stressed, I was fed up anyway but tonight it was a built up meltdown. 
Tired worn down and downright drained, sobbing until I felt sick. 
Feeling incapable for anything being a wife or mother. 
Scared of bonds either being broken or not even formed, I felt confused with exactly what I was feeling. Was it normal? Or normal for me?
Am I a terrible person? 
So many doubts and fears, this is harder than I had ever imagined. 
 
Hurry up 16 days. 
 
* * * * * 
 
 
15 Days To Go
 
I couldn’t have the countdown without a visit to the ward!
Blood Pressure up slightly, glitterly lights, headaches didn’t let me escape a visit. 
Interesting to say the least.
Was a long afternoon of CTG, BP and urine monitoring.
Very thankful I was given the all clear, HG and end of pregnancy side effects. 
Six hours later to go home, although baby is set to come earlier than due date I really don’t want it that much earlier. 
Homeward Bound.
 
 
* * * * *
 
14 Days To Go
 
This is turning put to be more daily than I’d like!! 
HG off day, head glued to pillow, disappointed to say the least. 
Vomiting before meds get a chance to leave my throat, leaving me unsure if I can take any more, so sofa cuddles in the hope it is just a one off blip that is passes quicker than it arrived. 
Toddler cuddled up, being kicked by her soon to be new sibling, 
she’s beginning to like the feeling and giggling as she is being poked by mummy’s tummy. 
Mondays are usually mine and little lady’s snuggle day, her older siblings are back at school, she finds it very quiet. 
She misses them terribly. 
But realise that today is our last snuggle Monday for a while, with an appointment next Monday morning of course the BIG day the following Monday.
Hope we can continue our snuggles. 
 
 
* * * * * 
 
11 Days To Go
 
Another visit to the ward, blood pressure up again, well for me.

134/94, protein showing up too. 
Off on a blood delivery for me..



 
But after Ten Minutely BPs on the ward, my pressure returned to normal range. 
Once again I was allowed home, after bloods returned normal. 
 
To return in two days for repeat P.E.T review.
 
This is going to be a rather long 11 days.
 
 
* * * * *
 
9 Days To Go
 
Return to ward, for my review, 
an hour wait and a full M.O.T.
Once again I was free to go, I am sure the visits make my anxieties worse!
 

* * * * *

7 Days To Go

Long awaited appointment, made at roughly 20 ish weeks, back in March. 

And now it is finally here. An appointment for steroid injections to help with baby’s lungs on arrival. As baby isn’t quite”full” term, and a section baby, we’re gladly accepting anything that will help avoid a special care visit for our baby. 
I’ve had the injections in my last two pregnancies, and can remember very well how painful they are!
Well it wasn’t as bad as I had remembered actually, although maybe the months and months worth of clexane injections in my leg has helped toughen it up a little….maybe!

One Down…One to go.



* * * * *


6 Days To Go

37 weeks!!


Second steroid injection today, wasn’t as pain-free today, bit of a wimp!

Although for me I can only describe it as feeling either like bleach being injected or when you walk at full speed into a tow bar or something metal. 
Ouch!!
Maybe the opposite leg is more sensitive, it is my bleeder leg, when I do my clexane. But still all done now, anything to take baby straight home. 

So, we thought we would take a huge step today.

The tiny one was putting up the bunk bed..

 
 
It is terribly girly, and has really transformed the room. 
Very pleased with it. 
 
The biggest step would be 
 
Putting the baby’s cot up, still terrified that we’ve made a wrong move. 
But deep breaths taken and it went up..
 
 
Of course baby won’t sleep in it all night for a good while, but do want baby to get used to the cot and the room, and for the girls to get used to the space in their room. 
The Frozen poster will move so baby has a corner too, really quite pleased with it.
I just really hope we’ve not jinxed anything. 
 
(I know a cot won’t hurt the baby, but this is what happens when you have lost a child).
 
 

* * * * *

4 Days To Go

Final Antenatal Midwife appointment today, quite a surreal thing, as I’ve had this appointment every week from the beginning. 

Couldn’t have asked for a more amazing midwife. 
Little tiny blip resulting in more bloods being taken and sent, but at the time of writing, no news is obviously good news. 
Baby had been fairly quiet past few days, but with some midwife prodding, it retaliated throwing some very peculiar shapes, so an afternoon was spent AWAY from the ward…AWAY! Good baby!
Next time I see her I’ll hopefully have our lovely baby!

Our special baby gadget was delivered today too..

our ‘neonatal’ monitor, as have mentioned before we’re under the Care Of Next Infant Scheme (CONI), we get a monitor that attaches to baby’s tummy, to help monitor the breathing, offers great reassurance. 
We used it last time, but not all the time, but was helpful to have to hand. 

Think it is beginning to feel real. 


Scary.


* * * * *


3 Days To Go 

Nerves really are beginning to kick in. The other side of the week end and we’ll be hopefully meeting the baby. 
My hormones are absolutely raging, feeling so heavy, so bad tempered. 
I’m feeling a little out of control, overwhelmed I guess. 
Did manage to go for lunch with two of my closest friends, something that has been really hard to achieve lately with being so horribly picky with food. 
Was nice to feel normal. 
Returned home to a delivery of these, from a friend from afar, 

 
These and a card, my lucky Minions, installed into my hospital bag. 
Made me smile. 
 
This also arrived, in the hope it’ll help calm me over the next few days. 
 
 
An adult colouring book, very much wishful thinking I reckon. 
but I am willing to try anything to calm these ever increasing nerves. 
 
Every now and again I get a short sharp feeling of breathlessness, panicked by the next few days. 
Terrified feeling really masks feeling excited. 
I wish I could get excited. 
Terrified of the Section terrified that we’ll have to tell the children that our baby has died again. 
They say how excited they are, and all I can say is 
“Hopefully”
And they say it’ll be ok mummy, it’ll come home. 
 
Terrified something will happen to me too.
 
I hate this, I hate having this feeling. I need to be full of excitement. 
But fear controls it so badly, 
I wish so badly I had the ignorant bliss, to never feel this way. 
It’s crippling. 
Focussing on the day after section, where all I’ll be feeling is post section pain. 
Although the anxiety will remain, hoping it’ll not be as intense.
 
The plus note, I have a few days break from these
 
Having done them since December for poor mobility and IUGR babies, my legs and tummy are having a welcome break!
 
* * * * *
Two Days To Go
 
Quiet day, doing the final few things, like turning the pushchair back into the newborn setting. 
 
Felt unbelievably overwhelming. Stood in the lounge, not quite the elephant in the room…but almost. It’s bugging me. 
 
Ignore, Ignore, Ignore…..
 
* * * * *
 
 
One Day To Go
37+5
 
A strange kind of day, so incredibly surreal. 
A few good luck texts coming through in excitement or “only one more sleep”.
To me it felt surreal. 
I am insanely in denial about tomorrow. 
I cannot get my head around that we’re “hopefully” having a baby. 
The day has been slow and quiet, two of the children are out for the day for competition.
My last ever evening of being pregnant, mu final bump photo
Never to experience this again, not that I regret my choice, 
it is definitely a relief.
I cannot even put into words how I am feeling, there is such a strange atmosphere here. Up and down. 
The Hyperemesis journey almost at an end, although I am hoping it’ll be instant relief, I’m sure it won’t quite work that way. 
 
The next Chapter, the fear will of course still remain, 
that will never be instant either.
I am slightly worried about being Nil By Mouth from midnight, only sips of water until 7am, but really for me it’ll be nothing at all as I still can’t tolerate water.
Being empty burns which makes me feel sick.
Scared I’ll be sick during the procedure, that won’t be pleasant, although I do get meds during. 
The idea of not being in control of my sickness for however many hours fills me with dread. 
 
My mother in law arrived this evening to help with the children. Making it even more real. 
So lovely to see her.
 
Sitting here, giving the baby pokes, you know to make sure it is still ok. 
Moving and squirming still at 37+5 weeks, makes me know babies don’t run out of room. 
I have emptied and re-packed our hospital bags, I feel as if I am on auto pilot, almost numb. 
I don’t know what to do or what to expect. 
You think I would by now. 
But hubby informs me I felt exactly like this the last time. 
Selective Memory…
 
 
 
Today Is The Day
37+6
 
It is finally here
 
4am: Waking with a terrific headache, no way to take water or any other fluid, so no going back to sleep for me!
I pressed play on the blu-ray to watch faithful Grey’s Anatomy, not that I was really concentrating on it. 
I watched our toddler sleep peacefully, as I was sleeping in HER bed for once instead of her in ours!
I am beginning to feel hungry, probably over thinking, nothing I can do about it. 
I really hope the HG goes once baby is born. 
 
6am: Finally came, time to get everyone up, to pass the time get everyone ready for school and the day. 
Not before long the vomiting arrives, I guess end the pregnancy as it begun.
A big vomity mess!
I hope I can eat soon. 
 
7am: We leave the house, somewhat dazed and confused, still so incredibly surreal, bags in the car ready for this “adventure”.
Poor John with manly baby brain, misses our turning…twice! He has put up with so much these many months, no surprise I’ve pickled his brain!
He is simply amazing!
He is just as terrified, I wish I could be as calm as him though. Inside I am sure he is screaming. 
 
8am: We arrived at the ward, the waiting and wondering begins.
Desperately hoping it wouldn’t be long, we were sat by the kitchen, not helping this NBM HG lady in the slightest!
 
I am terrified.
 
9am: Was able to get some ranitidine, the anaesthetist arrives to discuss what will happen in theatre. I can feel my self getting more anxious. 
 
9:30: John is taken to get his scrubs
Whilst I had to get into my gown…no picture!!
 
10am: We’re told there’s an emergency, so our first on the list was being put back an hour or so. 
I just felt sick. 
 
10:45: we were told they were on their way to get us. I all of a sudden had a sense of calm. 
 
*
We were taken to the room that would be my recovery room, my bags placed there, and a Dr came for me to do my consent forms. 
No turning back now, though it wasn’t as if I had a choice. 
 
 
Before too long we were walked into theatre, where I sat on the gurney whilst one person put a cannula in and the anaesthetist worked on my back. 
It was uncomfortable and at times it did hurt, but after what seemed like an age I was assisted to lie down, as the spinal was working very quickly. 
 
 There was lots of movement, but the atmosphere was relaxed. 
My consultant walked in and she stood at my side. 
It was discussed that I’d have a new scar, I said this would be ok. 
 
Before long I could feel one of the assistants move from beside me to where my bump was to take photos for us. 
Almighty scream came from behind the walled curtain. 
Our baby had definitely arrived. 
 
12:29 Our 6lb baby girl arrived very much screaming. 
We all joked that her steroids for her lungs had worked. 
 
There was delayed cord clamping until pulsating stopped, our new baby was taken to be cleaned and weighed.
 

 

Even managed skin to skin where baby was trying to suck her thumb!
 
The whole thing was incredibly calm and relaxed.
I can’t even explain the calm, aside from obviously wanting a “natural” birth which would never happen, for my final birth it was absolutely perfect. 
I didn’t notice the time passing whilst being stitched, it only felt like 5 minutes before I was being transferred to a bed and back to recovery.
 
Finally no sooner had we been back to recovery, tried giving baby a breast feed, she took to it perfectly. 
And has fed pretty much constantly ever since. 
 
Was home the next day, full of relief, although HG is still lingering. 
Reading her notes she was 37+1 too. 
 
That’s it our little Calliope’s journey from stick to now!
 
Thank you so much for following/reading.
It has been an insanely difficult time.
 
Calliope Luna
Our HG Warrior. 
 
(named after her big sister)
 














 
hyperemesis

Under Construction The final countdown…

So, here we are my final blog before baby’s arrival..
I’ve still a few more weeks, but I am attempting a chilled out approach, as I enter the final weeks of ever being pregnant.
I will be going ahead with the sterilisation procedure during the c-section.
I am done.

Not sure what I am excited about the most,
meeting the baby,
being sterilised,
or eating…without vomiting!
*

These final weeks the Hyperemesis has really taken its toll.
With new symptoms of sore throat, mouth and even split tongue, resulting in my usual “safe” drink of lemonade stinging my mouth every time I drink.
I am fast running out of options on what I can comfortably drink without it coming back.
It really has been an incredibly long road.
From 24th October 2014, when I first had the positive pregnancy test.
The HG arriving at 5 weeks and never leaving.
The loneliness of relying on the husband, one local friend and two from a far, weighs heavier when you feel so alone, the world passing you by, when you feel like you’re in the gutter and can’t move.
Countless hospital visits and drips.
The abundance of anti-emetics, vitamins, injections
“To keep me going, to help the baby grow”.
It has been incredibly hard to get the understanding regarding the severity of HG.
HG aside there’s been the stress of all the what ifs. Fears that it’ll all go wrong again, of course losing a living baby that wont change.
Again it’s not something you can truly have understanding with. There is nothing comparable.
So can be hard to speak to people around you with real understanding,
making it all even more isolating.

Simply because I’m not text book.
It is incredibly draining, quite possibly not helping the HG as I’m sure stress exacerbates it somewhat

I still can’t comprehend this baby as a rainbow, the realisation of how poorly I have been, the knowing that no matter how many children I could have had after Melody.
Our storm will never ever be over.
The baby will hopefully be a wonderful addition to our ‘little’ family.
It’ll get told of its sister who was with us only a short time, I know the baby’s siblings will tell wisely.

.

* *

This blog really has helped me, to get things out when I’ve been to scared or worried to be too open.
I am having a job focusing on these last few weeks, I know I need to keep going. So close, yet so far.
I would like to mention my support network,who I have no idea where I would be without.
My midwife so many people slate their midwives and of course I’ve mentioned before that I have come across the more difficult ones. But my midwife has been amazing, weekly visits because of my risk factors, to ensure I always having reassurance. Especially when the fear takes over what is supposed to be a happy time.
My consultant for taking my needs on, without judgement, or to say how crazy I am for doing it…again. To see me fortnightly, more if I wanted but I’ve found fortnightly so incredibly helpful, see our baby also having the consultant try their best to give me some kind of HG treatment, that hasn’t been easy. And to hopefully help bring our new baby home, even if I have had to inject myself for 6 months…and counting!!

Thanks to the couple of school run helpers.

 

Mrs N for being my countdown, keeping me sane, when I couldn’t lift my head off my pillow, we could still…just about chat from afar every single day.
Miss A again, attempting to lift my spirits from a far. And an understanding ear.
Both helping to make me feel less alone.
Wish these two lived closer.

Mrs C, who this time last year I was writing adventures for, but she has been a keeper!
Visiting every single week without fail, so I wasn’t always lonely, taking the toddler off my hands when the HG was so bad, I could barely look after myself.
Texting most days in between visits, dragging me out of the house when I felt brighter days.
Holding my hand when it was Melody’s birthday and I was too ill to do anything.
This lady helped give me a day in the week to focus on, when every day seemed blackened.
I cannot thank her enough.
I cannot wait for our adventures to resume!
Don’t know where I’d have been without her.

This may seem very dramatic, but in the cold light of day, you really do discover who shines through at times like these. I may be pregnant but with an added complication that has been immobilising.

If you ever have someone close to you who suffers from HG, please PLEASE don’t ever make them feel alone, it is hard enough to cope with, without doing it alone. 
You really do need a support network, not just a fleeting few. 

Which of course brings me to my husband, without his understanding and his caring nature, there would have been no way to move forward, to find the light at the end of the tunnel.
He has been my nurse, my husband, taxi service, my pharmacy delivery, dealt with the children. Everything.
Whilst doing his day job, also writing and his early morning routine. Has never put me down, or made me feel guilty, he tells me every single day I’m either sexy or beautiful, even after 10 plus rounds of vomit.
He still thinks I’m amazing…
I’m sure I have driven him crazy.

Raving Mad.
But then all the best people are.

* * *

So, at the beginning of this entry, I said I was going for the chilled approach
and this is where the chilled approach led me…

Reduced movements for three days, then of course the usual ketones due to the blasted HG, with added protein, leading to lots of drinking, an emergency sandwich and fear of Pre-Eclampsia.
So bloods were taken.
Thankfully cleared for the Pre-Eclampsia.
However baby is still very much misbehaving with reduced movements.
Have to make sure I ring up every time, which at the moment seems often, difficult when we’re borrowing a car, so sounds bad makes me reluctant to phone, so as not to keep putting on people.
This week’s scan cannot come quick enough.
The reduced movements just makes it harder to find that light at the end of the tunnel,
to make me fearful that we’ll lose at this final hurdle.
My movements were hit and miss with Melody, and I know I am a lot further on from her,
but plays very heavily on my mind.
Off to find some calm

* * * *
So, I tackled the Aldi Baby Event, didn’t get a lot, but felt like we had done something.
Including a new addition to my nappy addiction!

Hospital bags now completed, although, with still a few weeks left, they will get rearranged and back again, that I am sure…

They’re not that big!
Makes me very nervous..

* * * * *

Scan day.
Strange feeling knowing this is our last ever scan.
Going from fortnightly, to a biggish gap until baby arrives
(with open access to the ward and to the clinic,
so am not left entirely alone, my history won’t allow that, this with weekly midwife too).
It is always an emotional trip to some extent, no matter how many times we would go, it would still be the area our beautiful 35 day old daughter died, of course this will never change.
I do have two lots of steroids to go before I completely break free.
OUCH!!!

But today there was an added emotion, an end of an era I guess, of course I couldn’t show too much,
didn’t want to be sick!
Climbing the table for the hopefully last time, waited as she placed the jelly onto my tummy.
There on screen was our baby,
breathing, swallowing, poking its tongue out as if it was licking its lips.
Hand cosy in front of the face.
Perfection.

Still on the dinky side, but to be fair as long as baby comes home
I and the doctors aren’t too worried.

I finally feel a bond, this is a massive step for me, huge because the thought terrifies me,
but just look at that face….that is our baby.

(actually bond is so very much there, I have nearly let slip the gender a few times writing this!)
It WILL come home and stay longer than 5 weeks.

Thank you so much for following my journey (if you have).
It has been a long and slow journey, of course being a bereaved parent it doesn’t end on delivery.
It isn’t a magic cure.
There is no magical cure.

Again thank you, looking forward to my birth announcement post…
All in good time..

hyperemesis

Under Construction… Sixteen

Weeks are becoming a little more slower,
the anxieties are getting heavier.
Upside we have had some positive post through the door…
A carrier that I haven’t used before so am quite excited, we went for this one as we’re once again predicted a dinky dot, and this one unlike the one I used before starts at a smaller weight, so we can use it a lot sooner.
Also nappies too, cloth stash is ever increasing, some really cute teeny tiny ones!
And nesting has begun.
There was the positivity…
*
Brief visit to the ward brought to light an irritated uterus, probably brought on by being sick so much.
Reduced movements, but of course baby woke up once on the monitor.
So feeling sore and uncomfortable.
Have been offered extra monitoring.
* *
I don’t know if I am strong enough to fight any more, my nerves are shot.
The HG has worn me down, the nerves through fear have chiselled at my thoughts.
Scared that I will miss that window of lowered movements.
fear that something will go wrong again.
I hate this, I really want to enjoy my final ever weeks of pregnancy, of course I know that won’t happen completely.
I am really struggling
But
I have to keep going.
 
 
 
* * *

Milestone, one of the last.
If baby is born now
(which of course it won’t)
Nobody will touch its eyes! Won’t need that horrid, horrid eye test.

* * * *

Scan day.
No picture today as baby was being shy.
Baby growing along its lower line, so they’re happy.
I’m relieved.
Really not long to go.
46 Days To Go,
so not many scans or appointments to go.
As from above, it was a tearful session. But consultant, John and the lead midwife over there were so, understanding of the Hyperemesis dragging me down and of course the fear of losing the baby,

Was given these today though to help with the nutritional deficiencies

Reminds me of when I worked in care! Have to try and sip one of these throughout the day.
We’ll see…
It has been a tough few weeks this update,
but I need to try and enjoy these final weeks, as they really are my final weeks of ever being pregnant.

 

hyperemesis

Under Construction Fifteen

Single figure count down.
Nerves are really settling in.
Sickness continues to remain, the amount of medications makes me nervous,
even more nervous should I say!
We had been putting off getting the baby things for weeks and weeks.
As I have mentioned before, we’re terrified.
There is the normal pregnancy worries.
Then there is the fear that we endure, its hard to explain to those who truly don’t understand;
they only think they understand.
We set aside a day to do this much needed shopping, hard being a vomiting mess.
Even the internet shopping hadn’t been encouraging.
We filled our trolley slowly, the doubts set in.
I could feel myself panicking, welling up.
At which point we knew it was time to go to the checkout, before we ditched our full trolley.
Items in boxes, with tags nicely hidden away…
forgotten about until we hopefully need to use them.

Taking full advantage of the Real Nappy Week that was on last week, I even braved buying baby some new fluff! Determined not to come home with disposables.
Love Cloth Bums.

* * * *
The HG getting obvious again this week.
Before I continue, I am very lucky to have two regular health professionals backing my corner with the HG. My Midwife and my Consultant. And for a short time a nutritionist who did her best to test me for deficiencies.

Hyperemesis is rare affecting 0.5-2.0% of pregnant women, it is a small amount and is very often hard for health professionals (as well as general public) to tell the difference between HG and morning sickness.
It causes a numerous amount of complications including dehydration, ketosis nutritional disorders, not to mention the physical and emotional stress on the body too.

Fluid drips, vitamin supplements have been the things to help me function.
I have been over on many occasions for fluids, and I know when I am not feeling right, I can tell in my own body if my ketones are showing alot, this makes me feel worse, and after an IV I am reset I guess, feeling like a different woman.
I test my own urine in between visits, (not every day!) due to when I get pre-eclampsia I change very quickly, so acting fast is of great importance.

A couple of weekends ago I hit a wall, where I tested off the scale for ketones, I wasn’t feeling right, I felt dry, just not right, although I sip little and often, it mainly works, but the odd day it catches up with me and makes me feel awful.
I contact antenatal, to be told to suck sweets, it’ll resolve it.

Making me feel silly.
I’m a fairly shy person, so I find phoning for advice is quite a hard task, because I don’t want to waste anyone’s time

With the help of forcing fluids, not easy when you’re fighting to throw up, with diorolyte, by the time I was seen at my weekly appointment, my ketones had lowered.
Being sick has changed too, bringing up stomach acids more than anything, burns it hurts.
It hurts anyway now, but acids is a whole other level. What ever I can eat is quickly absorbed, so I don’t always bring up food, just the acids.

So a week ago, I had a horrendous pain behind my section scar, the only way I could describe it was electrical prod behind there, this coupled with feeling yet again worse for wear.
I knew I needed to see someone, as I have had four previous sections my lovely midwife suggested to phone straight through to antenatal. Again the nerves kick in.
They tell me I need to be seen.

Ketones  yet again high, this time I felt relieved to be seen…
Firstly someone came, I felt sore, my bump felt sore from my pains earlier.
In a tone I wasn’t sure about questioning me over and over if the pain was baby’s toe, over and over I kept saying no, beginning to feel really silly now…
baby is transverse and likes to lie close to my rib cage.
I’m sure I am wasting time.

I was put on the CTG monitor baby seemed happy, I had to wait for Dr.
Bump was still sore but eased off, I wanted to go home, but knew my ketones needed sorting.

The Dr came.
They were happy that scar was no doubt ligaments, a relief.
We went through my meds, she stated the meds that I am on are powerful, how one is used for Chemotherapy patients…I know.
I don’t want to be on them.

It was then I was *told* I NEED to eat more, take a big bottle of water to bed drink it through the night. Basically need to push through it, as I’m not being sick (she didn’t ask and I am), then I should at least (those awful un-knowledgeable words again) be trying to drink and eat normally….
I could have a drip if I wanted, but I need to drink that big bottle of water…
I declined, I wanted to go home…I wanted to stop feeling an inch big.
I hate being there anyway.

I do not want Hyperemesis,
I do not want to be sick every single day
I do not want the worry of a small baby….again.
I don’t want the pain of acid reflux and being sick.

I do want a healthy baby.
I do want to eat, and keep it down
I do want to drink water.

I am tired of having to explain myself, of feeling like a burden,
if its not about baby loss its about the HG.
I am not text book, but I make no apologies for that.
I am tired of telling people I can’t tolerate water,
lemonade is the only one for me and that I am trying foods.
I am tired of telling people we had a neonatal loss.

I am tired

I never asked for this pregnancy complication.
Just a little understanding of what hell this is for me, for my family.
How hard it is to make plans for day to day simple things.

I am trying so hard to eat, to drink.
I’m not wanting to be/feel this way, would give anything to have a nice and normal pregnancy,
where I can eat silly cravings of things, laugh when I eat coal dipped in chocolate.
Or jars of pickled things.
A little understanding from professionals, is that really too much to ask?

To travel home in tears, which is actually not easy, when crying makes you feel sick.
Hoping, desperately hoping that I can make another 8 weeks of not contacting the hospital again.
No visit until I am booked for my steroids.

So no after, all this Hyperemesis is NOT morning sickness, it is not even in the same league.
Women terminate their pregnancies because of poor care, because HG is so debilitating.
Much, much more needs to be done, even if its a form of better HCP support.
To know there is some kind of understanding out there.

Because it is so, so miserable.

To add I do not have a fear of food, just the vomit, my body is the one rejecting it, my brain is crying out for chocolate, a mug of tea or coffee.
My hospital bag, when I brave it to pack it will have yummy treats for post section,
even coffee sachets!
I have requested Jacket Potato, Beans and Cheese as my coming home food.
I am very much looking forward to it!!

* *

I would like to say how incredibly lucky I am to have such an understanding husband,
and of course children.
I know I have said it before but I say it over and over again. He has done so much in this pregnancy.
Of course I couldn’t be here with out him 😉 but joking aside, I really couldn’t have done any of this
the hospital trips, the pharmacy runs, the countless medications.
Even the not so pleasant conversations, he really has been my rock.

* * * *
Scan Day
Finally something positive.
Really lovely scan.
Baby is still below average, but is following its line.
It appears the medication that helps with IUGR is helping somewhat.
Makes the daily injections, multiple bruising, even the dripping blood, if I hit the wrong area,
worth it. Baby isn’t predicted to be big, but considering how poorly I have been, its hardly surprising!!

 

The Aspirin, which is for Pre-Eclampsia prevention appears to be working too!
Saw a different consultant today, he wanted an interesting (!) case ha! Was very thorough, and was very pleased with how my scan was today.
Encouraged me to continue to contact the ward with issues that arise, especially the ketones.
Back again in a fortnight!
Hoping for more positivity.
Here is baby being as cheeky as its siblings, sticking ones tongue out at the screen!
Cute!
We can officially brave another baby shop…well maybe!
Quick, it won’t last long.
Best make a start on that bag now.

 

hyperemesis

Under Construction Fourteen

Anxious week following our scan last week.
Having had Four IUGR babies in the past, being told your baby’s weight had dropped off it’s line a little…you tend to worry a lot; especially when two of your babies had been in NICU and one hadn’t come home.
So the seven days in between, led to wakeful nights, worried on what the next scan appointment would bring.
Would there be a scenario, where we’d be given a 10 day warning?
Would we have more worrying, or worse – bad news?
Over and over in my head, of course these things only happen at night!
Hyperemesis ramping up several gears.
Movements reducing one day, normal the next, constant worry.
This baby is certainly keeping me on my toes.
Scan day, vomiting, headache no sleep…of course a normal day for me really, but only made worse by worrying about the appointment.
Walked into the scan room to find that it wouldn’t be growth as it would be too close from the previous one. So they checked cord and waters.
Which thanks to the aspirin doing the job of keeping pre-eclampsia at bay, cord hasn’t cork screwed in on development.
Everything looked normal..
Going into consultant,
she was able to prescribe me some decent antacids, which I am hoping will help this HG.
SPD confirmed…*sigh* I had been trying to ignore it.
When there are so many other issues on my list, feel almost embarrassed that SPD has moved itself in too. Still, physio referral in…if the HG allows!!
Onto the scan discussion, she didn’t see any reason to be worrying at this stage, the previous consultant was being over cautious. Which is good in one way, but bad for the anxieties.
Huge relief, especially to know that the IUGR treatment is helping.
Being genuinely high risk, knowing I have a great team working on getting this baby to the finish line safely, the continuity of having weekly midwife, and now fortnightly consultant, who knows what they’re doing does help with the nerves.
Some may like this fuss, the idea of extra scans etc.
Me?…I just wanna curl up in a dark corner with of course a large dose of sedation!
So that was our appointment.
*
I have touched upon lack of bonding, no excitement of pink or blue attire..
The end goal being our ONLY focus.
Any way as we’re now onto single figure count down, it is time.
Although we have one focus, we’re going to end up with an almost naked bed-less baby!
Hubby has a planned day off this week, so we’re going to attempt to focus on getting at least one item off our “to get list”….and maybe a cloth nappy too.
Spending a good few days searching on line, changing my mind, it will be a challenge
that we WILL complete!
We need bump nicknames too…it likes music, we thought funky chicken, but think it is too long!
hm
PMA,
PMA,
P.M.A!!!
hyperemesis

Under Construction Thirteen

The home stretch..
The longest road..
The closer we get the more I worry, I simply can’t “just relax”.
Being plagued with yet another cold and tonsillitis due to low immunity I pick up everything going.
Fighting with trying not to vomit through swollen tonsils, was dare I say –  interesting.
Having just passed Melody’s anniversary, makes everything so real knowing
things can go horribly wrong. This fear won’t go away.
Living with an infant loss does this to you.
Have plucked up the courage to buy something for the baby though,
another task that is so bloody difficult, excitement gone.
Changing bag for baby, we went down the easy backpack route, we may end up having a toddler and baby in nappies, but as we baby wear a back pack would be easier for now.
And this although technically for us, another tiny little job I had been putting off,
because it involved the baby..
A Scrap Book for its Scan Photos.
We have a lot of appointments and scans, thanks to my very thorough consultant,
so thought be nice to document them.
I can’t even explain why it was a job to be put off, but being so poorly, and scared its I guess hard to focus on the end result.
“Not always Rainbows and Butterflies..”
Bonding is still very much playing on my mind.
Although I am finding a release documenting through this blog, find it harder and harder to speak excitedly, or any way about the bump.
Maybe if I don’t openly speak about it, it’ll make the chances of bringing the baby home, better.
Back to that protection again.I’m sure once baby is here AND reaches 5 weeks, that all important bond will appear.I just want that ignorant bliss, even when I’ve had miscarriages in the past before and one after Melody, I could still enjoy my pregnancies because they were earlier maybe.
I guess that’s is where the two completely differ…for me.* * *So reduced movements, led me here..

Baby in awkward position meant had to hold the thing on!
Baby was picked up on monitor, but still for me not as active as I’d like.
Usually a little nutter in there…
But not at the moment.
Hoping my next scan in the morning will give some reassurance.
Or maybe not…
*
A Blip?
Belly covered in jelly, she starts to take the measurements,
documents them on screen, but has to re-do them three times.
Baby it has had slow growth since the last scan, dropped off its line a little,
that coupled with reduced movements, I’ve to return in a week.
With instructions of not to go more than 3 hours without feeling movements.
I’m scared.
We’re scared.
Positive Mental Attitude
Fading.
I feel so guilty I cannot eat as I should due to the Hyperemesis,
I hate HG so much. I want to eat, I want the vitamins and minerals.
Maybe it’s because I struggle to bond?
A moment of excitement?
(Arm in front of face).
Everything WILL be ok..
It has to be.
This really is getting harder.
hyperemesis

Under Construction Twelve

Milestone week.

We’ve also hit this.
We’re on double figure day countdown…
And as always we’re not ready, nowhere near.
To be honest, we’re still finding it quite hard to accept there is another little person that may be joining us shortly.
We just keep putting things off. Maybe it’s a form of protection.
I mean we still have pram and cot from before. But other things, we just put it off, that little bit longer.
Finding bonding a little harder this time.
Maybe the time of year, the amount of sickness I’m having with worry.
Mix of everything. Don’t get me wrong, I love how the baby wiggles, and worry when it doesn’t.
But my head and my heart are fighting each other.
Head closing everything off, making me numb I guess.
Heart desperately wants to get attached, to get excited, but at the same time its scared of being broken.
I do have some positive mental attitude, but it doesn’t last as long,
I’m not as fearful of scans this time, although of course I am nervous at them, but its a step closer to seeing the baby for real, I’m not a big wreck like last time.
* * *
The milestone of course, I am at the gestation (give or take few days), when Melody was born.
But I feel confident, that this baby will stay cosy bit longer.
It’s just a hill to hike, rather than a mountain.
* * *
I have started to pack hospital bags, that’s a step right?
Even after five babies, I still can’t get my head around these bags.
I went with a suitcase last time, I felt silly!
I’ve a medium holdall for me and a little holdall for baby.
My Hit list..(not all packed yet..)
I’m sure I’ve forgotten something
Mummy’s Bag.
Straws
PjsCheck! (Moomin beauties!)
Flap Jacks
Instant Coffee Sachets..Check! I am so Looking forward to my first coffee.
3in1 Hair/body wash..Check!
Tooth brush/paste…Check!
Going Home Clothes
Flip-Flops
Maternity Towels
Breast Pads
Phone Charger
Book or Kindle
Big Underwear
Camera
Batteries
Dry ShampooCheck! Post section makes you feel disgusting, when you can’t move!
Presents for the new big brother and sisters
 


Breast Pump for the car.
Cushion (hospital pillows are the worst!!)

Baby’s Bag.
Muslins
Nappies…Check!
Cotton Balls 
4x Sleepsuits…Check!
4x Vests
Vaseline…Check!
Going Home Outfit…Check!
Hat…Check!
Cardigan
Shawl…Check!
 
 
 
Anybody reading please enlighten me if I have left anything off!

* * *

Braved washing tiny baby clothes. I had forgotten just how small they are.

Absolutely love, love white baby clothes.
Right now I feel like I am on some kind of autopilot.
Not thinking too much into what I am doing next.
Washing the baby clothes seemed to be a natural next step.
Perfect way of showing PMA, especially this week.
Melody’s birth milestone, which I am confident we will pass without a hitch,
and her anniversary too.
* * *

Appointment Day

The day didn’t start as I’d have liked,
a sleepless night of trying to get the baby to move, waking up at 2:30am terrified I’d not felt it.
Eventually moves after a lot of persuasion, managing to finally fall asleep at 5 for an hour.

This of course wasn’t the end. Upon waking baby still wasn’t as active as it normally is.
Quietly panicking, readying ourselves for the school day.
I began to feel some what faint and just not right at the school, again hiding it well.
Although so far it’s been quite easy to hide my pregnancy at the school,
hiding the tiny I bump I do have, so as not to have to answer questions from people,
who usually wouldn’t bother talking to me.

Meeting with a friend for our usual Friday outing.
Sitting at the toddler group, I could feel myself getting worse, baby was still terribly quiet.
John’s collection for me didn’t come soon enough.

In the car left me open to think, so sit quiet and think, feeling horrendous, sick and dizzy,
it soon entered my head awful thoughts, thoughts I couldn’t shift.
Terrified I’d lost the baby.
Through tears in the car I tried hard to concentrate, unsure whether I could feel pokes or not.
I was scared.

I held John’s hand tight as we walked to the clinic, scared to let go.
We had a short wait for the scan room.
I told the sonographer, I’d had reduced movements, he was reassuring, and turned the screen to me.
Finding baby’s beating heart was the first thing he did.
Of course I cried.

Baby has daddy’s weird toes!
Second toe being bigger than the “big” toe!
Still cute.
Baby had change position, hence the movements being a little harder to feel than a few days ago.
It’s so hard to explain the relief, especially at this gestation, 26+3 when I was having my first steroids for Melody. Three days later she was evicted.

Of course the dreaded anniversary helps nothing either.
I wish so much I could have an easier joyous pregnancy, where I can flaunt it about, without a care in the world.
It’s draining.
I am tired.

Consultant was very pleased with growth, baby is 2lb 1oz.
Bigger than Melody.
Even my observations are perfectly fine!
The rougher I feel the better the baby is!!
Baby looks set to be my biggest, not by much, but I am happy with that!
Even if I feel blooming awful!
Hope baby starts to behave with movements soon.

Nutritionist gave the great news I don’t have Gestational Diabetes after a week of testing, as I couldn’t have the GTT. Although I kind of knew this, felt relieved to get it confirmed!
We’re trying another set of vitamins, because I really am struggling with energy levels, which is probably why I feel incredibly dizzy.
Would give anything to be able to eat or cook without being or feeling sick!
Even make plans.

American Hyperemesis ladies get to have pick-lines, and home IV bags, sadly it appears UK falls behind. Of course this counts towards the cuts the government continue to do.
At the moment there seem to be an influx of mums at my hospital with HG where medication just don’t work. It’s a shame that such an old condition lacks knowledge, research and cures.
The only way of getting awareness is if a Royal gets it, where us normals have to suffer in silence,
with offers of gingers and crackers, great comparison to morning sickness.
Acute Morning Sickness I think media and some people call it.
Nothing Cute about Hyperemesis.

Its debilitating and down right lonely!
Would get upset and angry at just how lonely and scary it is.
But quite frankly I don’t have that kind of energy, mentally or physically.
I am done..

hyperemesis

Under Construction Part Eleven

Results from my lovely lot of bloods came back.
I have Nutritional Deficiency due to HG
None of which were a surprise.
Low HB,
Low folate
Low vitamin b
 low b12 its supposed to be 200,my level is 96.
low vitamin D…here’s hoping the sun shines soon!
So not surprising I feel so awful.
Now on a cocktail of medication. And a b12 injection to follow.

* * *

First big wobble this week.
When those bright rainbow colours fade to grey.
That reminder that my innocence of a blooming pregnancy has been stolen.
When I was pregnant with Melody – 23/24 weeks pregnant when I walked into my local surgery. To see a locum midwife, because I was swollen.
I knew full well what this may have meant as I’d had swelling with my first baby, which of course ended up being pre-eclampsia.
When I walked into that room, I wanted reassurance that it was just pregnancy chub, to be sent on my way. Not to be spoken to in such a rude way, it made me feel guilty for asking for reassurance and troubling anyone.
Then it was the words, blunt..”You don’t get pre-eclampsia before 28 weeks”
I felt silly.
12 days later Melody was born at 26+6 not only before 28 weeks with pre-eclampsia but it was HELLP syndrome too.
Fast forward to 2015 24 weeks with my hopeful second baby after loss.
I had what I could only describe as an upper bump pain.
A pain that could of course mean nothing. But at the same time one of those not to ignore symptoms.
It was getting late so sent a brief message to my midwife then remembered she was on a day off, so phoned the ward, I started the call stating I only wanted reassurance.
Brief description of history. And of course symptoms.
Only to hear those words…
“You don’t get pre-eclampsia at 24 weeks”
It floored me.
I just wanted the reassurance.
Came off the phone in tears to be honest, not because it wasn’t helpful.
But to hear the words I’d heard 3 years before.
I felt guilty once more.

Had Melody not taught anyone a thing?

This for me once again is why I struggle with the rainbow baby concept.
It’s not as easy as pretty colours, glitter and unicorns.
When you have had such a significant loss,
It is painful, it is heavy.
To find that strength
Is the only thing I can do…

For me that “storm” will never be over enough.

* * *

Weekly Midwife visit meant

An overnight visit to here,
(even one of the ward midwives was shocked to see that I had stayed! I do not stay in easily!)

Giving me one of these

(blood spillage included)
due to having a lot of Ketones in my samples, I needed to have a fair amount of fluids.
Three 2 litre bags was the total on discharge,(and IV anti-emetics) even they haven’t managed to clear all the Ketones,
sent home with a promise to sip often when I can.
Still feel lousy, but that can be a mix of the Ketones, and of course the HG having a nasty moment.
One chuckle of the evening would be my ‘next door neighbour’ being to worried to open her curtains
in case she “Caught HG”
Learning to accept that this may stay until the very end, I’d just like to be able to eat, not worry about leaving the house.
Collection from this lady
Made me glad I wasn’t staying in any longer, was the first time had spent the night away from her.
Here’s hoping there are no more stays until ‘D’ Day…
Only a week until next scan and consultant with a week of extra needles in between.
Love being the ultimate pin cushion!
But for now I am pleased to be home again.

Thank you for reading.