#100happydays Day Eighty Three.

Release. To be happy you need courage to set free your thoughts.
Dare to say the things that hurt your mind,your heart.

The purpose if this project was a form of therapy,I’ve had my heart and mind broken in the most irreparable way. The way that the lucky ones looking in can only watch,judge, punish walk away.
83 days in for the third time if doing #100happydays, I need to be open.
My life,my love is everything I’d ever hoped for. I’ve lost a daughter, out of everything that’s ever happened that was/is the most suffocating.
But I have to live,carry in living,I have a husband who tells me EVERY SINGLE day, how amazing,how beautiful,even how sexy I am. I can’t believe him. I should believe him.
But when I look in the mirror I don’t see me..I see the person I dislike, fearful of who I am,who I’ll become.
I have zero confidence.
When Melody died, the open arms you would expect fell to their owner’s sides.
I watched friends cross the road. Hiding behind social media,I watched my friends have social lives, whilst my life remained behind a screen,hurting, searching for why Melody died,why the people I thought were friends turned their backs. Family – I don’t even know where to begin with that.
We confided in friends that were around, I made friends through social media,and carry on doing so now. I love these people. Friends in my pocket.

Fell pregnant with our “rainbow”. I thought she’d be the magic bean,to help me back on my feet. The person to help me heal. Help us all heal. It was a difficult pregnancy. Again I was lucky to have my husband (goes without saying my children too).
I’d never really done baby groups with my older two,but wanted to give it a go two people who I didn’t know for long,one of whom took me for hot choc,when I could eat during my pregnancy, they took me under their wing. I wanted our baby our baby we thought we’d never bring home as a couple to have friends.
It was hard enough going be that bereaved mother. Shy,zero confident bereaved mum.
There weren’t any other babies there. Which was ok. But she missed out. I was advised not to go to the other baby groups,the breastfeeding group. I felt so pushed out.
Back to being that secondary school girl,when everyone turned against you,friends no more.
Only now I was 30 years old.

If you’ve read to this far well done,I am getting there..

I learned to live with this, began adventuring with another lovely mummy..who I have mentioned a lot of times before.
A surprise pregnancy soon showed the colours of human beings, a few bright and vibrant. Others not so. Fallen into the shadows.
Aside from being a “rainbow” pregnancy, I was sick. So sick I could barely lift my head from the pillow,standing became an issue. Even crying couldn’t feature in my darkest days.
I didn’t know if I’d even get to keep my baby. Would she die during the violent vomiting? Would she die afterwards?

One friend helped with school runs. One friend visited every single week, my adventuring mama. One. She took Kelsi one day a week,whilst hubby went shopping etc. She never let me down.

Once baby arrived,people came,they wanted cuddles.. They found my house then,their arms reached out then.
The ones I confided in back in 2012 have joined the rest in walking away.
I’d wanted the baby to experience the baby friends K missed out on,because I had listened to rubbish.
But the feeling of being unwelcome has returned.
When you have no confidence, you really do question…
What the hell have I done wrong?
Why do I confide in the wrong people?

I’m sick of feeling this way…
Well no more. No more shall I let anyone dull my sparkle.
I have enough shine, in Tracy (yes I’ll mention you), John, I have to believe in myself,before I believe that I’m beautiful. Of course my pocket love..

In the words of Sia…

“I’m going to swing from the chandelier,live like tomorrow doesn’t exist. ”
I’m done feeling beaten. Onwards and upwards. I will of course need to work on my confidence, I know it’s not that easy. But things will change.
Here’s to the next adventure and of course the glitter and shine

There’s enough hate, and blood shed in our world. Never make another person feel like they’re not good enough,because one day they’ll be gone. You’ll wonder why.

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